Now that the calendar has turned to November, our minds naturally drift toward the holidays.
We remember the years when our tables were filled with our kids. When they were little, they wiggled and giggled while we constantly reminded them to sit still. Then they became teenagers who rolled their eyes and dreaded sitting next to Uncle Joe, who always managed to say something awkward.
Those holidays weren’t perfect, but they were precious because the people we loved most were near. We laughed in the kitchen while preparing food, listened to their stories, and broke up the occasional towel fight while washing dishes. The house was full, the laughter was loud, and having everyone together felt like a gift.
Then our kids grew up.
Now we look toward the holidays and realize not everyone will be coming home this year. Maybe your child is spending Thanksgiving with a spouse’s family. Maybe work or distance makes a trip home impossible. Maybe your kids are creating traditions of their own.
And even though we knew this season was coming, it can still ache.
There’s nostalgia for what used to be, longing for the people who won’t be around the table, and sometimes a quiet wish that things could go back to the way they were.
Momma, it’s okay to miss what was while learning to embrace what is. The holidays may look different with adult children, but different doesn’t have to mean disappointing. We can learn to hold our expectations more loosely, welcome new traditions, and enjoy the people God has placed around our table today.
Here are six ways to adapt when the holidays look different with your adult children.
Acknowledge Your Grief
The ache you feel when change comes- that’s normal. That’s a human response, and you don’t need to convince yourself that it’s not happening. You don’t need to bury it deep, only to watch it come out at the most inopportune moment.
Instead, you’re invited to bring your tears to your compassionate God. Pour out your sadness. Name it, and allow the Comforter to minister to you. Feel held by God. Be honest about your pain as you pray. Then accept it.
2. Have Conversations with Your Kids
Sometimes our disappointment comes from expectations about how the holidays should look. When those expectations aren't met, we feel hurt or even cheated. We find ourselves asking, “Why can't the holidays stay the same?” or “Why can't our whole family be together?”
The road to peace begins with honest conversations with your grown kids. But we all know, sometimes it’s hard to be honest with our kids. We hem and haw, instead of inviting them into a conversation. Or perhaps we don’t really want their perspective because we know it will require something of us. We might need to adapt and change, and that feels hard.
As our families grow and change, it's unrealistic to expect every holiday to look the way it always has. Our adult children have responsibilities, relationships, and traditions of their own. Give them the freedom to share what works for them without feeling guilty about disappointing you.
Honest communication is the bedrock of healthy relationships. When you invite your kids to talk openly about what they need, it communicates respect. Don’t worry, you can share your perspective too. Honesty needs to flow both ways without it being laced with offense or guilt.
3. Your Attitude Sets the Tone
Momma, you know your attitude has always influenced the atmosphere in your home. That doesn't change when your kids become adults. How you respond to disappointment can either create tension or help everyone feel comfortable and welcome.
It's worth getting honest about how you're handling your sadness. Are you making sideways comments about the child who couldn't come home? Are you slipping in little digs about how things used to be? Sarcasm might feel satisfying in the moment, but it can create guilt and resentment that undermine the very connection you're longing for.
A healthier way to handle your disappointment is to acknowledge it without making anyone responsible for fixing it. You might say, “I sure wish Sarah could be here because I miss her, but I understand why she can't make it home this year. I'm disappointed, but I'll be okay.”
This communicates that you're a real person with real feelings, and you're taking responsibility for managing them. Your adult children don't need to carry the weight of your disappointment.
When you choose to respond with grace and emotional steadiness, you create an atmosphere where everyone can relax and enjoy being together. And isn't that what we want most during the holidays?
4. Release Expectations
The greatest holiday joy- killer is unmet expectations. When you assume the holidays should look a certain way and they don’t, it can deeply affect your perception of them and your ability to enjoy them.
It’s selfish to assume your traditions would never change. Your grown kids have responsibilities, obligations, and stressors that can make it challenging to be home all the time. If they’re married, they’re juggling two families now, and that’s deeply stressful for young couples. They don’t want to disappoint anyone, and it ends up feeling like pressure for them.
The greatest way to handle unmet expectations is to live with open hands before your family and God. Extend the invitation, but include the caveat “No pressure. Whatever works for you.” Then you take your disappointment to your compassionate God in prayer.
5. Reassess Holiday Traditions with Your Kids
Just because your family has always done something doesn't mean you have to keep doing it. There are probably traditions your kids adore and would be sad to give up. But there may be others they've outgrown or secretly dread participating in. And that's okay!
Take the brave step of inviting your adult children into a conversation about your family traditions. Ask them what they love, what they'd like to change, and whether there are new traditions they'd enjoy starting. Be willing to hear their answers without taking offense or interpreting their preferences as rejection.
Of course, your voice matters too! Share the traditions that are especially meaningful to you and why you treasure them. The goal is to create space for everyone's perspective so you can decide together what makes sense for your family in this season.
Be willing to let go of traditions that no longer serve your family and make room for something new. Your flexibility communicates that you value your relationship with your adult children more than keeping everything the way it's always been.
And who knows? Some of your family's sweetest holiday memories may come from traditions you haven't even started yet.
6. Be Grateful for Who’s Home
One of the surest ways to enjoy the holidays is to focus on what you have instead of what you lack. It's easy to get caught up in who's missing from the table and allow that disappointment to overshadow the joy of being with those who are present.
Gratitude has a beautiful way of shifting our perspective and filling our hearts with peace. Instead of dwelling on the empty chairs, turn your attention to the faces around your table. Be grateful for those who could come home. Shower them with love, listen to their stories, and give them your undivided attention. Don't let your longing for who's missing rob you of the precious moments with those who are near.
You can miss the ones who aren't home and still fully enjoy the ones who are. There's room in your heart for both.
When you choose gratitude, you begin to notice God's goodness in the ordinary moments of being together. And sometimes, those simple moments become the sweetest memories of all.
The holidays have a way of reminding us that our families aren't what they used to be. It's okay to acknowledge the ache of missing what once was. Give yourself permission to grieve while making room for the joy that's still available to you. As you release old expectations and embrace what your growing family needs, trust that God will give you the grace to navigate these changes with peace.
Remember, Momma, God is present in every season of motherhood, including the ones that look different from what you imagined. He sees your disappointment, understands your longing, and invites you to surrender the things you cannot control into His capable hands.
So cherish the beautiful faces around your table, give thanks for the blessings right in front of you, and trust God with the ones who are missing. Your family may be changing, but God's goodness and faithfulness remain the same.
Let’s pray.
Dear Papa, thank you for helping me adjust to the changes in our family. Though everyone can’t be home, I want to be grateful for who you are and the people who are still around the table. Hold me close as I adjust my expectations of how the holidays look. Thank you for my family.
Still struggling with communication? Maybe this will help.
Oops! Did I just say that?!
We’ve all been there: one little comment, and suddenly, your adult child pulls away, shuts down, or gets defensive.
The truth is, some phrases hurt our connection more than they help, even when we mean well!
That’s why I created “10 Things NOT to Say to Your Adult Child (And 5 Ways to Stop Yourself From Saying Them)”—a free guide to help you communicate in ways that build trust rather than tension.
