How People-Pleasers Feel Responsible For Other's Feelings
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“If it is possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”-Romans 12:18
Walking On Eggshells
We gathered in my childhood home, an old rundown farmhouse. Dad, my stepmom, Midge, her two kids, my two brothers and their toddler together, Ben. Dad sat at the head of the table, Midge to his left. We were the quintessential blended family.
I could tell from the moment dad sat down, he was in a mood. His brown eyes downcast, and the downward turn of his mouth indicated he wasn’t up for shenanigans. My dad had two settings: happy or angry, and you never knew which one would show up at the dinner table.
Midge’s kids didn’t want to eat and that was not acceptable for my father. I cringed inside as he demanded they finish their food. I know better. We were raised to clean our plates, and we always did. We were required to sit at the table and finish even if we didn’t like the food. My cousin Katie once challenged my mom and sat at the table for hours staring at those uneaten peas.
I know how this works. I’ll do anything to not make my father upset. I distract the kids, I try to ease the tension in the room. I smile a sheepish grin, hoping to somehow placate my father, but it doesn’t help. I desperately want to make the stress go away. He’s upset, and I don”t want him to be angry. His rage scares me. We walk on eggshells whenever he’s in the room.
Why did I feel responsible for his feelings? I don’t think he once considered mine.
I’m Responsible For Myself
One way to recognize our tendency to people-please is our desire to be responsible for other’s feelings. We are overly concerned with not wanting to upset people so we adapt, cajole, and minimize our feelings so we don’t hurt theirs. It’s a hideous trap that causes excessive weariness. I spent decades trying to not make people upset. I was overly concerned with other’s feelings and minimized my own.
Here’s a most liberating truth to rest our hearts on today. We are not responsible for other’s feelings. I’m responsible for myself, and they are responsible for themselves. This is a challenge for the people-pleaser because they feel overly responsible for other’s feelings.
Dr. Henry Cloud explains it like this from his book, Boundaries:
“Controlling nonresponsives have a hard time looking past themselves. They see others responsible for their struggles and are on the lookout for someone to take care of them.”
What I didn’t understand years ago was that I was responsible to my father, but I wasn’t responsible for his actions. This is a huge distinction and often a cloudy area for the people-pleaser.
Often the demanding party knows this and has used feelings to manipulate. The beautiful thing is we can choose to put up a boundary that says, “I stop here and you start there. I’m free to let you handle your own feelings, while I deal with mine.” It is neither unloving or selfish, it’s actually wise stewardship.
What my father was essentially saying is, “I’m unhappy right now, what are you going to do about it?” He wanted us to bring peace to the situation instead of learning to calm himself.
Understanding responsibility is not unkind or hostile, for the people-pleaser; it’s the way to peace and rest.
Let’s pray.
Dear Papa, Help me understand what I’m responsible for. I’m not responsible for other’s feelings. I’m responsible for my own. Give me courage to set boundaries with those who want me to take care of their feelings. Thank you for leading me to peace and rest as I let go of being responsible for other’s feelings. Amen.
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