The Power of An Apology

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The Power of An Apology

“Be completely gentle and humble, be patient, bearing with one another in love.”-Ephesians 4:2

That Annoying Sound

The sound machine, on high volume, swooshed the most annoying sound. It didn’t replicate ocean waves, at all, as the high volume distorted into jarring white noise. It grated on my soul. I tossed and turned in restless fits as our infant grandson, Gus, slept peacefully. We had the only guest bedroom at Mom and Don’s condominium and we had to share with Gus because he needed a dark room and the noise machine to sleep. Everyone else was laid out on air mattresses in the living room. This was our only alternative if I wanted a comfy bed versus a lumpy air mattress.

I flipped and flopped all night long, deeply annoyed by the offensive sound. Gus was sound asleep. Couldn’t I just turn it down a little? Every time I tried, Gus woke up and Keenan, his dad, would come in and comfort him. This went on all night. I was frustrated. Keenan was agitated and we couldn’t wait for the dawn to break, so we could end this insanity.

At morning's arrival, Keenan asked to talk to me. He was livid. We sat on the edge of the bed, while everyone else was still asleep. With our bedhead and bleary-eyes, I could see the anger and hurt on his face. He told me how he felt. I was crushed by hurting him. I listened and let him pour out the pain and then I did the only thing I could do. I apologized.

I was broken for hurting him, and for being so selfish about the stupid sound machine. I had dismissed his parenting choice, which hurt him deeply. He realized he may have overreacted from the sheer exhaustion of it all. Hot tears fell, but we wrapped up the conversation with a big hug. We extended grace to each other.

Apologize, Mom

Most often the conflicts or tension we experience in our relationships are because both parts are contributing to the stress. It’s never just one or the other. As we navigate this new way of relating to our kids, it’s often hard for moms to change roles. It’s difficult to not make all the decisions anymore. Resentment can grow quickly when communication or expectations have been challenging.

The antidote for bitterness is a gentle tone and a quick apology. It diffuses conflict and brings the relationship back to civility. The tension is removed and a tone of understanding and respect returns.

Are you the kind of mom who apologizes easily or are you a bit too proud for that? Are you the mom who squares her shoulders and digs in her heels with her adult kids? Do you set your jaw and harden your heart in conflict? Conflicts will come; they’re inevitable in this season of parenting. Apologizing is helpful.

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Three Ways to Use Restraint While Listening to Your Adult Child

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Three Ways to Use Restraint While Listening to Your Adult Child

“A wise man will hear and increase in learning.” -Proverbs 1:5

Quiet Conversations

It was late at night as we gathered as a family after Keziah and Forrest’s wedding rehearsal dinner. The room was buzzing with conversation and laughter, as Keenan, our oldest son, pulled me aside and wanted to talk. Keenan’s not one for small talk and neither am I. I love to get to the heart of the matter in our conversations. We’re not afraid to be honest and vulnerable with each other. Usually our conversations involve tears because that’s how we’re wired. We sat on the kitchen stools as he started the conversation. He was animated and passionate because that’s his personality.

I didn’t agree with everything he said, but I knew the greatest gift I could give him in this moment was my undivided attention and a listening ear. I leaned in and looked him in the eye, and I saw nothing but love and compassion. I tuned out the rest of the family because this was important to him, and I wanted him to know it was important to me too.

As he spoke, I proposed in my heart to listen for understanding. I wanted to hear beyond the words to the message between the lines. I wanted to comprehend his heart. I was going to set aside my agenda, my opinion, and truly hear him.

He gave me the opportunity to share my heart too. But I did it with humility, relying on the power of God. I walked away from the conversation knowing I had heard him and validated his opinion. I leaned in, was present, and truly heard where he was at. I felt like the right thing to do.

Listen With Restraint

Listening doesn’t have to be a grin and bear it exercise, as you grit your teeth in frustration. Listening is a gift of love, an act of surrender, and a partnership with the Divine, even when your relationship with your adult child is complicated and messy. Especially when what you are hearing is different from what you believe or agree with.

Listening well communicates compassion, validation, and empathy. Paying attention is the one benefit we can freely give. It’s an opportunity for grace to flow.

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The Beauty of Listening To Your Adult Child

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The Beauty of Listening To Your Adult Child

“Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters; You must all be quick to listen slow to speak and slow to get angry.”- James 1:19

Hard Conversations

I could feel the tension in the air as we walked and talked that hot summer day. Caleb had reluctantly joined the family for a few days at our annual trip to Family Camp. I felt the resistance, and I could see the pain on his face.

This was the last place he wanted to be. He didn’t want to be boxed in by God or the church. I knew he had been wrestling with God for a few years. He was filled with doubts and probably some anger towards the church. I don’t think being a Pastor’s kid was an easy thing for him. He was now a college student and free to make his own choices, and he had picked up some new views about the world.

I asked him about his dad’s healing. “How do you explain dad’s miraculous healing from multiple sclerosis?” He looked at the ground, as we walked and said, “Science has proven the body can regenerate itself.” It felt like someone punched me in the gut! I avoided his gaze and tried to muster all the restraint I could and said, “Oh, it can, can it?” My comment was laced with sarcasm and bitterness. And that was the end of our conversation. I walked away dejected and fearful, and he left the conversation feeling frustrated. I’d blown it, for sure, when it came to listening.

A Listening Ear

As we enter this unfamiliar, supportive role in parenting our adult children, one of the greatest gifts we can give them is a listening ear. In the past we wanted to correct, instruct, and train, but those days are behind us. This is a new season which requires new skills.

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The Heart Work Required to Release Expectations

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The Heart Work Required to Release Expectations

“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.”-Psalm 51:10

The Voice of Shame

I don’t want to face it. I’d rather hide from it, but today I’m smacked with my shame. She cuts with her remarks.

You are a failure!

You couldn’t even pray well enough for your kids!

You really messed it up, mom!

What kind of Christian are you?

I sat in a puddle of tears again, wishing, hoping, praying my child wasn’t walking away from God. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. This isn’t the vision I had for our family.

The Holy Spirit gently whispers in my thoughts, “This isn’t about your child. I hold your child. What I want to talk about today is your heart. Let’s look at why you feel shame. It’s more about you than them.”

Honestly, facing the condition of my heart wasn’t something I wanted to do.

Wouldn't it be easier to focus on how they had let me down?

God graciously revealed areas of pride, judgement, and criticism I had allowed to grow in my heart surrounding this child. He led me to understand my expectations were harming this child. While the enemy wanted to beat me down with shame, the Holy Spirit wanted to grow me. He lovingly revealed how my motives were the things hurting this child. This was the beginning of my letting go and I didn’t experience humiliation nearly as often.

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