“If it is possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”-Romans 12:18

Walking On Eggshells

We gathered in my childhood home, an old rundown farmhouse. Dad, my stepmom, Midge, her two kids, my two brothers and their toddler together, Ben. Dad sat at the head of the table, Midge to his left. We were the quintessential blended family.

I could tell from the moment dad sat down, he was in a mood. His brown eyes downcast, and the downward turn of his mouth indicated he wasn’t up for shenanigans. My dad had two settings: happy or angry, and you never knew which one would show up at the dinner table.

Midge’s kids didn’t want to eat and that was not acceptable for my father. I cringed inside as he demanded they finish their food. I know better. We were raised to clean our plates, and we always did. We were required to sit at the table and finish even if we didn’t like the food. My cousin Katie once challenged my mom and sat at the table for hours staring at those uneaten peas.

I know how this works. I’ll do anything to not make my father upset. I distract the kids, I try to ease the tension in the room. I smile a sheepish grin, hoping to somehow placate my father, but it doesn’t help. I desperately want to make the stress go away. He’s upset, and I don”t want him to be angry. His rage scares me. We walk on eggshells whenever he’s in the room.

Why did I feel responsible for his feelings? I don’t think he once considered mine.

“I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.” -John 15:5 NLT

Strive

Elizabeth rises early to spend time with God. She can’t miss a day on her YouVersion devotional reading. She knows what a faithful Christian woman is supposed to do and checks all the boxes so she can feel approved. She is driven to serve at her church and jumps at the chance to volunteer in Kid’s Church, help set up communion, lead a Women’s Bible Study, and join the outreach team to do yard work for widows.

She’s always going over the mental checklist in her head to see if she measures up. Is God pleased with her? Has she given enough? Has she served enough? She wonders if she’ll ever be able to hear God say, “well done good and faithful servant,” because on the inside

she feels anything but good.

She fought with her husband on the way to church. She yelled at her kids, and even cursed because she’s tired. She can’t keep up with all their activities. The driving them here and there, the endless laundry, the messes around the house. The kids have too many toys. Now it’s time to go through all the clothing to get ready for the next season. But there’s no time!!

She feels the pressure to look good, have a beautiful home, and charming children, and a devoted marriage. Another recipe flops and she’s ready to delete her Pinterest app because is any of it even real?

Pressure, coupled with exhaustion and feeling empty, keep her fleeing from God. Her life feels empty, and she’s not sure how to find her way back to God. Her endless striving gets her nowhere.

Abide More Strive Less

We mistakenly assume God only loves us because of how we perform, so we focus on the things we can control and produce. If we’re performing at peak capacity we feel loved and valued, even esteemed by God. But at the core of who we are, we feel we aren’t enough in and of ourselves.

We find ourselves lacking, insecure, overwhelmed, less than. So we push hard to control the outside, never addressing the longing inside to be known by our benevolent God. This endless chasing after projects, outcomes, and perfection leaves us weary. There’s only so much energy we have and when we pour it into outcomes, we don’t make time to address our heart cries.

We just want to be loved, accepted, and held by God.

The solution to endless performance is abiding. It’s our connection with God that strengthens us. He is the source of all life and apart from Him we are nothing. When we set aside performance for union, we are filled. The Holy Spirit satisfies the empty places with His grace and then we serve from a place of approval, not to receive it. God already approves of us and He proved it by sacrificing His son for us. There’s nothing we can add to the equation. No service, no pious offering, no endless striving will gain God’s love.

“How blessed is the one whom You choose and bring near to You. To dwell in Your courts. We will be satisfied with the goodness of Your house, Your holy temple.” - Psalm 65:4

Perfection

Michelle handles the meeting with grace as a mid-level manager. She has her facts straight, she’s decisive and competent as she leads her team. She has high expectations of her coworkers and can be critical when they don’t measure up. A lot of times, she’d rather do things herself so their incompetence doesn’t tarnish the project.

She spends extra hours at the office to make sure every project runs smoothly. Her name is on the line. She’s the “cross the t’s and dot the I’s” kind of manager. No detail is missed. On the outside, she looks cool and collected, but inside she’s riddled with self-doubt and insecurities. “What if they mess this up for me?” she worries. There is no room for mistakes with her projects.

Contrast this to her home where she’s been in a renovation project for two years because she can’t decide what paint color to use on the walls.. She’s paralyzed with fear that she’ll choose the wrong color. She seeks out everyone’s advice and opinion then remains in a state of indecision. Her fear of failure is so great, she’d rather not make the wrong choice, so the project is stalled. She withdraws and avoids so she doesn’t feel the pain of not doing something perfect. Her self-loathing can result in depressive episodes.

This constant pressure to perform at optimum capacity drains her emotionally and physically. She pushes hard at work, but then stays in bed for hours on the weekends because of emotional exhaustion. She often feels behind and never enough.

“But to each of us grace has been given as Christ apportioned it.” - Ephesians 4:7

Pushed to Perfection

Angela stays up late working on her presentation. As the hours click by and sleep calls, she pushes the urge to rest aside. One more cup of coffee will get her through the night. “Sleep is for wimps, and this project is going to be perfect,” she thinks. She’s spent hours in research and pouring over the graphics to get them just right. She agonizes over her color selection for the powerpoint presentation. “Is it pretty enough? Will it wow her boss, so she finally notices her talent?” she wonders.

It’s not just this presentation that has to be perfect, everything in Angela’s life. She attacks her home, her dresser drawers, the way she folds her towels, her hair, wardrobe, the way she posts on Instagram with utmost precision and thoughtfulness, being sure everything is pristine. Her internal dialogue pushes her to try harder, be the best, and never rest.

Inside, she fights a battle of self-loathing and fear of rejection. She feels she’s not enough, so she pushes hard to control external things in her life. She seeks to fill this longing inside and believes if she does everything perfectly, then she’ll be at peace. But the truth is the peace is fleeting. Instead of stepping back and admiring the work, she’ll notice the one little thing she does wrong. If it’s not perfect, she feels like a failure.

Where is God in all of this?

Instead of drawing near, she pushes Him away, wrongfully assuming He isn’t pleased with her. She can never enter into rest with Him because she thinks He cares about how she performs. This is a false assumption about God.

So He is far off and she’s caught in a perpetual cycle of exhaustion and self-contempt.

Can you relate?

For many people, perfectionism is a trap that keeps them from rest. They are driven to perform at optimum capacity in everything they do, and it leads to endless weariness. According to Robert McGee, in The Search for Significance, the perfectionist believes a false narrative that goes like this: “I must meet certain standards to feel good about myself.”

On the outside most perfectionists appear competent, but their motivation is insecurity. They have a set of self-imposed rules that they must follow to feel good about themselves. They like to be in control of all situations, so this pushes them to work hard. They rarely enter rest.

The Lord never intended for us to be perfect. He desires us to be holy, or “set apart” and used for His purposes. Only He is holy. Only He is perfect and the constant striving for perfection ultimately leads us to emptiness, because in our minds eye, we never achieve it. It’s an empty chasing after that never fulfills.

“Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.” -Matthew 6:33 MSG

Distraction

Melissa rolls out of bed late. She looks at the yoga mat and knows it would be good for her to awaken her body and settle her mind, so she throws on some workout wear and gets to it. After her workout, she enters the kitchen to make her morning coffee. The dishes are overflowing in the sink. There’s another thing she didn’t have time to get done. She can’t find Adam’s backpack for school. Her mind races with her long to-do list. How is she ever going to get the promotion if she doesn’t work harder?

She turns on the morning news while she eats a piece of toast and is overwhelmed by the current state of affairs: political unrest, racial tension, pandemic overwhelm. These topics weigh heavy on her heart. The cares of the world make her feel anxious. Her husband has already left for work, so she’s left to get the kids ready for school. Life feels full of endless responsibilities, demands, and obligations.

She heads down the hall to wake the kids and passes the laundry room. Piles of laundry sit neglected, and she wonders when she’ll have time to get to that. She tosses a load in and hopes she won’t forget it again. How many times do you need to rewash clean clothes that smell moldy in the washing machine?

As she races back to her room to make the bed, she sees her Bible and journal on her nightstand. She looks longingly at it, secretly wishing there were more minutes in her day so she could spend some time with God. “Maybe tomorrow,” she whispers. She throws up a little prayer to God, apologizing for her absence, hoping He won’t be disappointed in her. “I promise I’ll make time tomorrow,” she thinks, and off she goes into her day.