Expectations Lead to Disappointment for the Midlife Mom

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Expectations Lead to Disappointment for the Midlife Mom


“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” - Ephesians 4:2

Great Expectations

Our firstborn has been newly wed since August, and I braced myself for the conversation we’d have with our son and his young wife. The holidays were approaching, and it was time to talk about where they would spend Thanksgiving and Christmas. I dreaded this topic because I knew it was going to burst the expectation I had for holidays.

Why did I wrestle with my expectations? Why was I so selfish? What right did I have that everyone should bow to my presumption for special occasions?

I adored Christmas with our little family. The commotion of having them all together filled my heart with immense joy. Bob would keep a roaring fire going in the fireplace. Keenan carousing at the piano filled our home with playful music. Moriah chased someone around the house in her usual mischief-making ways. Caleb and Keziah shared an inside joke while Rebekah joined me in the kitchen.

Having them all near filled me with nostalgia, and I couldn’t wait to add Michelle to our family celebrations. My hubby wasn’t close with his family, so I never had to share when Christmas rolled around. We had been making the trek to my mom’s house for decades, so it seemed normal our kids would want to be with us. I looked forward to the new tradition with our young married children.

With a grace and maturity beyond their years they said, “We’ve decided to share holidays. One year we’ll spend Thanksgiving with you and then we’ll spend Christmas with Michelle’s family, then the next year we’ll flip.” They were sweet, calm, and nonchalant about it. Inside, I didn’t want to let go of my assumption of yearly Christmas together. It made me sad to think of them not being a part of our traditions, but releasing my demand was the best thing to do.

Eleven years later, we’ve fallen into a beautiful rhythm, and we know exactly who’s going to be with us each holiday.

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Why Moms of Adult Kids Need Each Other

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Why Moms of Adult Kids Need Each Other

“Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.”- 1 Thessolonians 5:11

Honest Conversations

We gather on a spring Saturday morning at church for a Women’s Bring Your Own Breakfast event. Many in the room are middle aged moms like me, sporting their comfy Saturday clothes. We make our way around the table and share a little about ourselves. Normally I don’t prepare anything formal for these events but today I feel led to open a discussion about our grown kids.

Gingerly, I reveal how some of my kids are far from their Maker. I’m buoyed by the strength God has given me these past fourteen years. What once would have been a discussion leaving me in tears, now feels like an invitation to my greatest calling. God has been faithful to minister to my heart this past decade, and now He is asking me to share what I’ve learned.

One by one women open up about the heartache of watching their adult child walk away from God. Tears flow and knowing glances are shared. Hopelessness and shame abound. But this morning is an opportunity to extend warmth and grace. There’s a holy hush as women share their pain.

One burdened mom says, “It feels so good to talk about it. I’ve felt so alone in this. I thought I was the only one.” I see the relief on her face and a glimmer of hope in her eyes for the first time. I want to hug her close and tell her God will help her through because our Maker loves her child even more than she does.

We Need Each Other

There’s power in being in a room where grace-filled understanding and compassion are extended. We need each other!

I’m making it my mission to normalize these conversations so moms don’t have to hide in shame anymore or live years of self-loathing because they’ve somehow ruined their child’s life.

One of the most powerful tactics the enemy uses in our lives is silence and isolation. He convinces us to keep our mouths shut as we walk through this pain. We’re left feeling like we’re the only one going through this heartache. We scroll on social media assuming every other mom our age has navigated this transition well. We compare and criticize ourselves again.

We’re filled with questions, doubts, and “if only.” We feel less than, depleted and afraid. In our isolation we are only left with our perspective, which is usually faulty. We spiral downwards and wonder why God seems so far off.

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The Routinely Forgotten Moms of Adult Children

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The Routinely Forgotten Moms of Adult Children

“But now, O Jacob, listen to the Lord who created you. O Israel, the who formed you says, ‘Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you; I have called you by name. You are mine.” - Isaiah 43:1

Can We Talk?

I recognized the name in my direct messages from decades ago. We met through mutual friends and had kids of similar ages. Anna reached out wanting to know if we could talk. I sent her a message welcoming a conversation.

I heard the heaviness in her voice as she held back tears. “I love my adult kids so much, and we have a great relationship, but I see changes in my son and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to mess this up,” she says. Her adult son was raised in the church and went to a Christian college, and now his lifestyle is completely anti-God, and he told her he no longer believes in God.

“I feel like such a failure,” she cried. “I remember feeling like that, too,” I sighed. “I didn’t know who to talk to about it. I can’t talk to people at church because they’ll judge me. I’m so worried I’m going to do something wrong to damage our relationship, and I don't want to do that,” she said. “I didn’t know where to turn, and I thought of you,” she said. We chatted for thirty minutes as she poured out her heartache. I silently whispered a prayer of thanks for God sent her my way. We need each other. I listened and encouraged as she felt relieved to talk about it.

The Forgotten Moms

We have an army of forgotten moms trying to navigate their changing roles with their adult children, and they are filled with shame and don’t know where to turn. They suffer in silence assuming they’ve completely ruined their kids. They carry grief and emotional overwhelm.

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What A Boundary Is And Why You Need It

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What A Boundary Is And Why You Need It

“Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.”-Proverbs 4:23

Establish the Boundary

Deborah gathers her bag ready to head out for the day and sees her coworker, Julie coming toward her desk. Normally this would instill some anxiety in Deborah because Julie’s usual pattern is to not pull her weight on a project, then at the last minute she expects Deborah to finish it for her.

Julie smiles coyly and says, “Hey, Deborah, can you finish this part of our presentation? I don’t have time to get to it, and you’re so good with words. You do it so well every time.”

Deborah recognizes the tension rising in her stomach because as a people-pleaser she’s aware of her usual response. Normally she’d cave and not want to disappoint Julie. However, Deborah is weary and wants to learn new skills to let go of being a pleaser.

So this time she takes a deep breath and confronts Julie with a confident, “No, that won’t work for me, Julie. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Deborah grabs her bag and walks confidently out of the office. Butterflies swirl in her tummy, but she feels a sense of accomplishment for establishing a boundary with Julie.

Most people-pleasers have few boundaries, and this is what contributes to their weariness.


What is a boundary and why do I need it?

In the natural, we see boundaries as fences, walls, manicured lawns, and signs. A boundary communicates this is where my property begins. In the spiritual world, boundaries are just as real, but it’s hard for us to see them.

Dr. Henry Cloud describes boundaries like this:

Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership.

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Four Ways to Move Away From A Pleaser Mentality

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Four Ways to Move Away From A Pleaser Mentality

I have a treat for you today, friends. My friend, Heather Bjur offers a clinical perspective on what is happening for the pleaser. You’re going to love this!

Confronted

He looked me in the eye and very matter-of-factly said, “Heather, your persona is ugly.”

My fork, laden with that day’s salad bar offerings, stopped mid-air.

I glanced down at my lunch, having suddenly lost my appetite.

In five words, Larry Crabb exposed my deepest fear and my one tried-and-true mechanism for making life work. I wanted to appear intelligent, competent, and most of all, likeable. I thought these attributes I was pushing to the forefront were attractive, and while they are when emanating from a place of authenticity and humility, I was beginning to discover my persona had nothing to do with either.

I felt like barfing.

The Mask

Each of us operates with what Larry calls a persona: a mask that hides our true self. As we grew up, we discovered that in order to live in our environment, we needed to curb certain parts of our personalities, and magnify others. For many, myself included, that involved working hard to be pleasing to others. Sometimes this behavior is also called codependency. We all have different reasons for doing what we do; some grew up in alcoholic homes where being on guard with your best behavior was necessary for survival in the face of a drunk, angry parent. Some of us found we had more friends if we conformed to what we perceived others wanted us to be.

Whatever the underlying impetus for adopting a ‘pleaser’ mentality, there are two core truths pleasers have in common.

1. Self-Forfeiture. Our job, as children, is to learn from the adults in our lives who we are and how we fit into the world. When our family of origin is in any way dysfunctional, children are often left to ‘fend for ourselves’ emotionally, thus growing up with an emotional, and subsequently, relational deficit.

“A dysfunctional family does not acknowledge that problems exist, talk about them, or confront them. As a result, family members learn to repress emotions and disregard their own needs. They become ‘survivors.’” - From Bondage to Bonding by Nancy Groom.

To survive in a world that demands we conform to certain expectations, we quickly learn how to act, what to say, and how to maneuver to achieve some sense of stability. In this maneuvering, we forfeit who we truly are, believing we are somehow unacceptable or unlovable.

Rather than developing healthy self-esteem, people-pleasers become who they perceive others want them to be. Pia Mellody, in her book, Facing Codependence, calls this “other esteem.” What typically follows is a low sense of self-worth, self-neglect, and inability to use personal boundaries.

2. Shame. Without a solid sense of self, a child moves into adulthood with a profound sense of shame and loss which usually translates into anger. When shame, loss, and the subsequent anger remain unhealed, the pleaser struggles in relationships, often giving until they’re resentful, and become embittered at the lack of mutuality in the care offered by those who claim to be friends.

Asking for needs to be met is a significant challenge. “What if they see me as needy or vulnerable? Being needy isn’t attractive!” Just beneath the surface and driven by shame, the constant fear of rejection lies, dictating the pleaser remain silent about her desires

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How People Pleasers Are Burdened By Responsibility For Others

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How People Pleasers Are Burdened By Responsibility For Others

“Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.”- John 13:35

Overextended

Belinda rolls out of bed, exhausted before the day even starts. The kitchen sink is filled with last night's dishes. The load of laundry still sits on the couch unfolded. Her husband has already left for the office, so she’s in charge of wrangling the kids up for school and packing their lunches. She goes over the day's schedule. Elizabeth has soccer practice. Andrew has a dentist appointment. Their small group meets at seven, and she’s promised to bring a dessert.

She mulls over the conversation with her boss before she leaves work yesterday. As she’s rushing out the door to get Elizabeth to soccer practice, her boss pulls her aside. “Hey Belinda, I need this report tomorrow morning. You're just so good with words, could you write it up for me? You’re the best. I can always count on you.” Belinda sighs and puts on a smile, knowing full well she doesn’t have time for this, but how can she say no to her boss? He would think less of her. She wonders if her job could be in jeopardy.

She feels the tension in her shoulders and doesn’t want to do it, but she feels trapped. She shrugs her shoulders and says, “Sure, I can get that quick for you.” Outside she appears calm, but inside she’s seething. “Why does he always wait til the last minute and then make me responsible? Why can’t he get his act together? Why does his emergency become my problem? Why can’t I say no?”

Steward Yourself Well

According to Psychology Today, most people-pleasers are burdened by what they have to do. They carry the weight of their “yes.” They’ve overextended themselves and don’t know how to get out of the trap. They misunderstand their capacity to get things done all because they don’t want to upset or disappoint someone else. They are good at making everyone happy except themselves.

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How People-Pleasers Feel Responsible For Other's Feelings

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How People-Pleasers Feel Responsible For Other's Feelings

“If it is possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”-Romans 12:18

Walking On Eggshells

We gathered in my childhood home, an old rundown farmhouse. Dad, my stepmom, Midge, her two kids, my two brothers and their toddler together, Ben. Dad sat at the head of the table, Midge to his left. We were the quintessential blended family.

I could tell from the moment dad sat down, he was in a mood. His brown eyes downcast, and the downward turn of his mouth indicated he wasn’t up for shenanigans. My dad had two settings: happy or angry, and you never knew which one would show up at the dinner table.

Midge’s kids didn’t want to eat and that was not acceptable for my father. I cringed inside as he demanded they finish their food. I know better. We were raised to clean our plates, and we always did. We were required to sit at the table and finish even if we didn’t like the food. My cousin Katie once challenged my mom and sat at the table for hours staring at those uneaten peas.

I know how this works. I’ll do anything to not make my father upset. I distract the kids, I try to ease the tension in the room. I smile a sheepish grin, hoping to somehow placate my father, but it doesn’t help. I desperately want to make the stress go away. He’s upset, and I don”t want him to be angry. His rage scares me. We walk on eggshells whenever he’s in the room.

Why did I feel responsible for his feelings? I don’t think he once considered mine.

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How People-Pleasing Adds To Our Weariness

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How People-Pleasing Adds To Our Weariness

“I have loved you with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself.”-Jeremiah 31:3

In the Rest Over Weariness Series, we’ll spend the month of June addressing people-pleasing. It’s often the root of our exhaustion. First, let’s talk about how to identify it.

She Can’t Say No

Amanda slumps at her desk. Her shoulders hang low and her countenance reflects her frustration. She’s exhausted from her constant activity. Everywhere she turns people are asking things of her. Her aging mom needs her to take her to the store. Elizabeth, from church, can’t lead the outreach anymore and has asked Amanda to take her place. Amanda tried to say no but Elizabeth was very convincing. Besides if she said no, then Elizabeth would have a negative view of her or worse yet, she’d have to face God being disappointed in her. After all, aren’t we supposed to serve if we love God?

Her husband is late at the office again leaving Amanda to shuffle the kids about and get dinner ready on her own. The plates are left on the table, the kitchen counters are overrun with the mess of cooking dinner, and off the kids go to their rooms. Why did she agree to make the costumes for her daughter's second grade play?

She sits in silence overwhelmed and defeated. There’s no time for rest. There’s no way she can finish all the tasks she’s committed too. It’s been like this for years, and she’s certain she’ll die an angry, unappreciated, empty woman.

“If only I didn’t care so much what everyone thought of me. Why can’t I say no?” she ponders.

Are You A People-Pleaser?

Often the cause of our exhaustion is our propensity to people-please. We don’t want to let anyone down. We don’t want to inconvenience or hurt anyone’s feelings, so we push ourselves to look good in front of others, but we’re left burdened and overwhelmed.

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Abiding With God Leads to Rest

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Abiding With God Leads to Rest

“I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.” -John 15:5 NLT

Strive

Elizabeth rises early to spend time with God. She can’t miss a day on her YouVersion devotional reading. She knows what a faithful Christian woman is supposed to do and checks all the boxes so she can feel approved. She is driven to serve at her church and jumps at the chance to volunteer in Kid’s Church, help set up communion, lead a Women’s Bible Study, and join the outreach team to do yard work for widows.

She’s always going over the mental checklist in her head to see if she measures up. Is God pleased with her? Has she given enough? Has she served enough? She wonders if she’ll ever be able to hear God say, “well done good and faithful servant,” because on the inside

she feels anything but good.

She fought with her husband on the way to church. She yelled at her kids, and even cursed because she’s tired. She can’t keep up with all their activities. The driving them here and there, the endless laundry, the messes around the house. The kids have too many toys. Now it’s time to go through all the clothing to get ready for the next season. But there’s no time!!

She feels the pressure to look good, have a beautiful home, and charming children, and a devoted marriage. Another recipe flops and she’s ready to delete her Pinterest app because is any of it even real?

Pressure, coupled with exhaustion and feeling empty, keep her fleeing from God. Her life feels empty, and she’s not sure how to find her way back to God. Her endless striving gets her nowhere.

Abide More Strive Less

We mistakenly assume God only loves us because of how we perform, so we focus on the things we can control and produce. If we’re performing at peak capacity we feel loved and valued, even esteemed by God. But at the core of who we are, we feel we aren’t enough in and of ourselves.

We find ourselves lacking, insecure, overwhelmed, less than. So we push hard to control the outside, never addressing the longing inside to be known by our benevolent God. This endless chasing after projects, outcomes, and perfection leaves us weary. There’s only so much energy we have and when we pour it into outcomes, we don’t make time to address our heart cries.

We just want to be loved, accepted, and held by God.

The solution to endless performance is abiding. It’s our connection with God that strengthens us. He is the source of all life and apart from Him we are nothing. When we set aside performance for union, we are filled. The Holy Spirit satisfies the empty places with His grace and then we serve from a place of approval, not to receive it. God already approves of us and He proved it by sacrificing His son for us. There’s nothing we can add to the equation. No service, no pious offering, no endless striving will gain God’s love.

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How To Stop Being Perfect So You Can Rest

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How To Stop Being Perfect So You Can Rest

“How blessed is the one whom You choose and bring near to You. To dwell in Your courts. We will be satisfied with the goodness of Your house, Your holy temple.” - Psalm 65:4

Perfection

Michelle handles the meeting with grace as a mid-level manager. She has her facts straight, she’s decisive and competent as she leads her team. She has high expectations of her coworkers and can be critical when they don’t measure up. A lot of times, she’d rather do things herself so their incompetence doesn’t tarnish the project.

She spends extra hours at the office to make sure every project runs smoothly. Her name is on the line. She’s the “cross the t’s and dot the I’s” kind of manager. No detail is missed. On the outside, she looks cool and collected, but inside she’s riddled with self-doubt and insecurities. “What if they mess this up for me?” she worries. There is no room for mistakes with her projects.

Contrast this to her home where she’s been in a renovation project for two years because she can’t decide what paint color to use on the walls.. She’s paralyzed with fear that she’ll choose the wrong color. She seeks out everyone’s advice and opinion then remains in a state of indecision. Her fear of failure is so great, she’d rather not make the wrong choice, so the project is stalled. She withdraws and avoids so she doesn’t feel the pain of not doing something perfect. Her self-loathing can result in depressive episodes.

This constant pressure to perform at optimum capacity drains her emotionally and physically. She pushes hard at work, but then stays in bed for hours on the weekends because of emotional exhaustion. She often feels behind and never enough.

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How Being Perfect Causes Our Weariness

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How Being Perfect Causes Our Weariness

“But to each of us grace has been given as Christ apportioned it.” - Ephesians 4:7

Pushed to Perfection

Angela stays up late working on her presentation. As the hours click by and sleep calls, she pushes the urge to rest aside. One more cup of coffee will get her through the night. “Sleep is for wimps, and this project is going to be perfect,” she thinks. She’s spent hours in research and pouring over the graphics to get them just right. She agonizes over her color selection for the powerpoint presentation. “Is it pretty enough? Will it wow her boss, so she finally notices her talent?” she wonders.

It’s not just this presentation that has to be perfect, everything in Angela’s life. She attacks her home, her dresser drawers, the way she folds her towels, her hair, wardrobe, the way she posts on Instagram with utmost precision and thoughtfulness, being sure everything is pristine. Her internal dialogue pushes her to try harder, be the best, and never rest.

Inside, she fights a battle of self-loathing and fear of rejection. She feels she’s not enough, so she pushes hard to control external things in her life. She seeks to fill this longing inside and believes if she does everything perfectly, then she’ll be at peace. But the truth is the peace is fleeting. Instead of stepping back and admiring the work, she’ll notice the one little thing she does wrong. If it’s not perfect, she feels like a failure.

Where is God in all of this?

Instead of drawing near, she pushes Him away, wrongfully assuming He isn’t pleased with her. She can never enter into rest with Him because she thinks He cares about how she performs. This is a false assumption about God.

So He is far off and she’s caught in a perpetual cycle of exhaustion and self-contempt.

Can you relate?

For many people, perfectionism is a trap that keeps them from rest. They are driven to perform at optimum capacity in everything they do, and it leads to endless weariness. According to Robert McGee, in The Search for Significance, the perfectionist believes a false narrative that goes like this: “I must meet certain standards to feel good about myself.”

On the outside most perfectionists appear competent, but their motivation is insecurity. They have a set of self-imposed rules that they must follow to feel good about themselves. They like to be in control of all situations, so this pushes them to work hard. They rarely enter rest.

The Lord never intended for us to be perfect. He desires us to be holy, or “set apart” and used for His purposes. Only He is holy. Only He is perfect and the constant striving for perfection ultimately leads us to emptiness, because in our minds eye, we never achieve it. It’s an empty chasing after that never fulfills.

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2021 Wives of Integrity Online Conference

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2021 Wives of Integrity Online Conference

Hey, lovely wives! I have a question for you! Did you ever think your husband should just know what you need?

I held this erroneous belief for a long time. I used to think, “well, he’s with me all the time. Why can’t he just see what I need? Does he even know me? Is he even paying attention?”

I’d feel unloved and unknown when he couldn’t figure out what I needed. Perhaps I watched too many romantic films, but, girlfriends, this is not real life! My inability to tell my husband what I needed and assumptions I made about him, only hurt our marriage.

I apologized to him long ago for my errant thinking. Women, our husbands are not mind readers nor can they possibly understand the complexities of our emotions, thoughts and feelings. If we need something from them we’re going to need to be brave, risk vulnerability, and then have an honest conversation.

I know, I know, it feels scary, but I promise you, vulnerability is the gateway to connection!!

I’m amazed by the relief that washes over my husband's face, when I articulate what I need. He willingly wants to help me. Our guys are good. They want to serve us.

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We Were Never Meant To Fill Every Moment With Constant Activity

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We Were Never Meant To Fill Every Moment With Constant Activity

Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from Him.” -Psalm 62:1

Busy Blocks
Mel pulled out a notebook with a tidy graph of her daily schedule. She didn’t buy a planner like most; she made her own. It was brilliantly color coded with blocks for each time increment and the slots filled in with assignments, projects, and meetings.There was a rare open space. She was an Education major with a taxing course load. Mel was organized, focused, and capable. She was the residence hall’s assistant director where I served as a resident advisor.

I was impressed with her organizational skills. I paid attention and watched her every move. She was a kind, gracious leader. I learned everything about planning from her. Seeing her system made me come alive. It made sense to me. I, too, adopted precision and skill in ordering my days. At a glance, I could see what was required of me for the day, each week, and month.

The more squares were filled, the greater my anticipation. Those little color coded slots drove me! They pushed me to excel.They led me to over-schedule and overbook. As long as a slot was open, then that meant I was available.

I kept this unrelenting pace for years. I said yes to everyone and everything. I said yes because I could, because I had capacity. However, I never left room for rest, and I didn’t leave time for God in those early years of walking with Him. I was more concerned with my busy schedule.

Can you relate?


Welcome Margin

We were never meant to fill every moment with constant activity. We are not machines. We are humans with frail bodies and limitations. Why do we think we can push hard and not have devastating effects?

Our busy days leave us stressed-out and anxious. Like a tired, hungry child we tend to lose it and freak out at those we love the most. The solution to our harried pace is called margin.

I’m not talking about profit margin, but margin as it relates to boundaries. We create margin in our lives by building space around the busy. We plan a little room to breathe, pause, and refresh. We cannot be driven by those color coded squares. When we plan with margin, it refuels us and gives us the ability to continue. Margin is the space where we release technology, we put away our to-do list and we rest. Our days don’t require a lot of margin, but a little dose is helpful.

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How Sabbath Rest Restores Us Physically and Spiritually

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How Sabbath Rest Restores Us Physically and Spiritually

Welcome my friend, Rachel Fahrenbach to the blog today. Rachel has been on a journey to discover what true rest looks like for her and her family. She just wrote a book about it. Rest and Reflect, a 12 Week Guided Sabbath Journal is the help you didn’t know you needed. The journal takes you through weekly prompts to help you understand your identity and the beauty of Sabbath rest. You guys, rest was God’s idea!!! It’s okay to rest!

WORN OUT
I can’t remember what shoes I was wearing, but I do remember the clutter on the floorboard of the truck at my feet: the plastic bag of items to return to Hobby Lobby, the wrappers from the Lara bars we had eaten quickly on the way to church stacked in a pile to be tossed later, and my purse tossed into the truck with my frustration. They are clear in my memory, as clear as the memory of the clutter of emotions I felt that day.

I had stormed out of our small church angry with every person sitting in the pews and retreated to our truck to wait for my husband to emerge from the congregational meeting. The sun had warmed the passenger seat, but instead of relaxing into that comfort, I continued to sit on edge mulling over the ways I felt overwhelmed, stressed, taken for granted, rejected, and forgotten.

Eventually, the warmth from the sun did it’s trick and I fell asleep. Because the truth was, while I was angry with a decision that had been made by our church’s leadership, I was mostly just tired in more ways than one.

Unfortunately, that moment was just the beginning of a three-year-period in my life where I lived in a constant state of exhaustion, and that exhaustion robbed me of a stabilizing peace and joy. It would be easy to blame my exhaustion on having three kids under 5 (one of which was an adopted newborn), but the truth was that life just got hard from that point on. I was exhausted in every sense of the word. Mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

I was a mess. A tired, worn out, joy-less mess.

SABBATH REST

From time to time, I would get moments to myself. These times of self-care and soul-care helped, but they were always over with too soon and only sustained me for so long. So, when the conversation about Sabbath was brought up during our small group (at a new church we had finally settled into), I was more than ready to have it. I felt the need to stop and rest in my very bones but I didn’t know how to do it. The world seemed to be falling apart in seven days, so how in the world was I going to keep it together with just six? I was barely holding it together as it was, if I stopped even for a moment, I thought that I would become so far behind it would be catastrophic.

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How To Feel Less Weary With God

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How To Feel Less Weary With God

Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me-watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live lightly and freely. Matthew 11:28-30 MSG

Endless Work

Jessica arrives at church when the Pastor taps her on the shoulder and says, “Hey, Amy didn’t show up for nursery today. Can you do it?” “Of course,” she quips but inside she feels a little resentful. “They’ve asked me again. Why can’t they ask someone else?” she thinks.

She runs through her mental checklist of chores she needs to do this afternoon before her small group meets tonight. She has impeccable standards for her home. Everything is organized and in place. She cannot rest until everything is perfect. Deep down, she’d love to take a nap, but there’s not time for rest today.


She’s capable, driven, and likes to control outcomes. She believes the heart of loving God is to serve. She’s more comfortable doing things for God than being with God. Shame makes her hide behind her service for God. She’s afraid God will be disappointed in her if she shows up as herself. She feels she’s not enough.

Secretly, she is resentful of the other women who don’t do as much. She’s weary and burned out, tired of striving to earn God’s love. There must be more to this relationship with God, she thinks. She needs to reframe what it means to love God.

A Look At Weariness

We’re shifting gears on the blog for the next few months as we look at the issue of weariness. Everywhere I go I meet Christian women who are utterly exhausted. No wonder their connection with God is minimal. They’re completely spent and have nothing left to give to Him. They work, serve and try hard to earn God’s love and favor but never learn to relax in God’s presence. They carry shame and believe their service to God replaces their connection with God.

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How To Feel Closer to God Again

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How To Feel Closer to God Again

“I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.” -Hebrews 13:5

We’ve all felt the longing for more of God, and when the distance between us has widened, it hurts. How is it God is both within us and all around, yet He feels so far off some days? If He never changes and promises His presence with us always then it must be about our proximity and awareness of Him.

About a decade ago, I sat amongst a group of church leaders, dutifully listening to the speaker. The day had gotten long, and I was eager to retreat for the evening. The speaker quoted a prominent national youth leader, and I never forgot the statement.

“If God seems far away, go back to where you left Him.”- Jeannie Mayo

I sat with the statement and mulled it over. It was the first time I truly understood that my connection with God was my responsibility. It wasn’t my church’s, my spouse, or a matter of circumstance. If God seemed far away, I was the one who moved, not Him. All I had to do was simply go back to where I left Him. Does this resonate with you, reader?

Somehow, in the church, we’ve gotten this wrong. We toss God aside as we elevate our service to Him. I’ve noticed most Christian women are content doing things for God instead of being with God. The busyness and service make us justify the distance because we’re doing _________ for God and surely He’s pleased with our service.

Sweet friends, God wants you. He loves you and cherishes being near you. He hopes for life-giving conversations about all the things that matter to you. His love is poured out in the context of relationship and connection. His character is revealed, and His purposes are laid out as you meet with Him. There are things God wants you to know about Him, your life, and your future.

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Vulnerability Leads Us to Deep Connection With God

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Vulnerability Leads Us to Deep Connection With God

“Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to Him for God is our refuge.” - Psalm 62:8

Honest Prayers

I’m in my usual early morning spot with God, curled up on my pretty orange bird chair. I’m tucked under a blanket with a cup of coffee, my Bible, and my journal. I carry deep sadness today. I had a challenging night with pain. I awake with another headache. It goes up the back of my head and lands on my forehead. It feels like hot coals on the inside. I must have slept weird again. Why or why can’t I train my body to land the right way when I’m sleeping, so I don’t wretch my neck? I try to massage the knots, but they never go away.

I want a good night’s sleep. I want the pain to end. Six years of pain feels unbearable, especially from a car accident that isn’t my fault. A distracted driver rear-ends me, and I’m stuck with endless ache. I still see the two young men laughing as I look in the rearview mirror after impact. Today, it feels like too much to bear.

I don’t talk to God about my pain lately. I have in the past, but His silence and inactivity keep me from bringing it up. It seems like my prayers for relief have bounced off the ceiling for years. But today, I’m weary. I don’t think I can do this anymore.

So, I bravely pour out my frustration with prolonged suffering. I release my anger and sense of abandonment. I voice my contempt as hot tears fall. “Why won’t you rescue me, God? I believe in Your power! I’ve seen You do miracles and yet You do nothing for my pain! I read through the New Testament of Jesus’ miracles and His compassion towards the sick. When is it my turn? When will You turn and be gracious to me? Why God? Why?”

It’s like a release valve is opened as I honestly talk to God about my disappointment.

I sit quietly and catch my breath. Piles of crumpled Kleenex rest on my Bible. Instead of feeling abandoned, I feel relieved. It feels good to get it off my chest. Sweet peace settles over me and I hear God speak.

I hear His gentle voice, “I’m so glad we’re talking about this. I like it when you tell me how you feel. You don’t have to hide a thing from Me. Pour it out. I’m here.”

I’m learning to receive God’s grace in my most vulnerable places. I don’t have to hide my emotional or physical discomfort from Him anymore. I’m taught to trust His ways.

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How Gratitude Helps Us See God More Clearly

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How Gratitude Helps Us See God More Clearly




“I will give thanks to the Lord with all my heart.” - Psalm 9:1

Glory All-Around

I wait for my morning coffee to finish brewing as I open the large blind in my living room picture window. I look past my cozy front porch to the horizon. I gaze through the neighbor’s yards and in the distance, God’s glory breaks forth. The dawn greets me with brilliant shades of pink and purple wisps.

What is it about a sunrise that captures my soul each day? It’s newness, it’s life. The darkness is pushed back and God is simply showing off for me. I hear Papa whisper, “I’m here. I’m with you. I hold this day and everything that will happen. I’ll never leave you.” The beauty is arresting as the light filters through low-lying clouds. All I can do is say, “thank you, God.”

My first inclination each morning isn’t to grab my phone or rush headlong into my endless “to-do” list. I want to create space and remove all clutter that keeps me from God. The first thing I want to do each day is to experience God. I’m on the lookout for His presence.

I whisper my thanksgiving and make an earnest attempt to remain in gratitude. I capture the sunrise image on my list as a reminder of God’s faithful presence. I make a habit of recording my thanks so my vision of God remains focused and pure, untainted by the cares of this world.

Gratitude Makes God Greater

Gratitude doesn’t deny our hard places; it simply reorients our hearts to the greatness of God.

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We Were Created For Loving Union With God

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We Were Created For Loving Union With God

“My sheep listen to My voice, and I know them and they follow Me; - John 10:27

God’s Reassuring Voice

I reach for my husband’s hand the second after a drunk driver runs the red light and slams into our car. Black smoke is rising from the airbags, and I’m terrified. I want to flee, but all I hear is the sound of impact ringing in my head, and I fear we could be hit again. It’s hardly rational thinking.

My chest hurts, and I’m in shock. We keep reassuring each other we’ll be okay and praising God we can move all our limbs. I can’t stop crying, and I’m shivering uncontrollably as the paramedics load us into separate ambulances.

The chest pain continues, but I can’t tell if it is from within or just a reaction to the accident. I’ve never had a panic attack. I am hooked up to a heart monitor, and my rhythm is normal. I hate being separated from my husband. I need to know that he’s okay.

After being examined by a doctor in the ER, scans are ordered and off I go rolling down the hall. The nurses and technicians are kind, but make fun of all the blankets piled on top of me

I’m transferred to the hard table of the Cat scan machine. I’m surrounded by white plastic and the humming of the machine as it moves my body back and forth. I notice the puffy cloud images tacted to the ceiling tiles like they’re going to somehow make me feel better.

After a few moments, I take a deep breath and feel sublimely calm. Peace descends like a warm blanket, and I hear Papa’s voice. “I’m right here. You’re going to be okay.” Warm tears fall as I’m reassured by God’s comforting voice.

Knowing God is near is a great comfort and a byproduct of union with Him. Loving God is not just about having faith in our Maker or serving Him because we must; our hearts are intertwined and we are tethered. He’s within me and He’s all around. I am held and I can’t escape His presence. My loving union with Him is everything.

We’re Created For Loving Union

We were created for loving union with God. Our union is much more than salvation, dutiful service, performing religious rituals, and attending weekly church services. We can do all these things and still not have union with God.

“Your very being is made to be saturated with the being of God.”- John Eldredge

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What You Believe About God Matters

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What You Believe About God Matters

“But you, O God, are both tender and kind, not easily angered, immense in love, and you never, never, quit. You look me in the eye and show kindness. Psalm 86:15-16 MSG

Missed Connection

Melissa settles on the porch, a cup of coffee in hand, and her Bible. “Here we go again God,” she thinks. She picks up the Bible with its pristine pages. The binding is still stiff from lack of use. “When will I ever figure this out?” she thinks. She knows God is near, but she’s not sure He’s interested in her.

Melissa has had a few encounters with God. She’s had glimpses of His love but most of the time she’s confused and would rather avoid Him.

Her life had been a whirlwind of mistakes, missteps, and regret. Shame is her constant companion. How could she possibly be near a Holy God with the choices she’s made?

She wonders where she should read when she picks up her Bible. She feels uncomfortable, inadequate, and overwhelmed, but she knows it would be a good thing for her to do.

She feels less than, empty, and lost.

She’s confident God is disappointed in her. She’ll let Him down just like everyone else in her life.

She closes her Bible and sighs in disgust. Sadness and defeat are mirrored in her eyes. “This will never work,” she thinks.

What we believe about God matters. We can see Melissa struggles with her view of God. She doesn’t believe in His goodness or faithfulness. She’s projecting her lack unto Him.

As we desire to build a loving union with God it’s important to evaluate what we believe about Him. Have you ever thought about what you believe about God?

These are helpful questions to ask yourself.

  • Is He good?

  • Is He loving?

  • Is He patient?

  • Is He faithful?

  • Is He trustworthy?

  • Is He kind?

  • Is He compassionate

  • Is He demanding?

  • Is He aloof?

  • Is He harsh?

  • Is He angry?

  • Is He disappointed?

  • Is He uncaring?

  • Is He impatient?

Who Is God?

How we answer these questions reveals what we believe. What we believe is how we will act towards God. If we believe He is good, we’ll move closer. If we believe He’s harsh, aloof, or uncaring, we’ll recoil and avoid Him.

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