Love Is The Key To Healing

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 “Hatred stirs up conflict, but love covers all wrongs.”- Proverbs 10:12


The Answer Is Love

Wendy and I gathered in a comfy booth. She preferred tea, as I reached for my hazelnut latte. Conversation flowed easily after years of friendship; the discussion always rolled around to our kids. We have prayed about our kids together. We have shared the ups and downs of teen years and watched our young adult kids find their life partners.

I understood her heart. Motherhood was her highest calling, and she did it with purpose and grace. After coming from a fractured family unit, she wanted a close family. Her and her husband worked hard to maintain the bond with their kids. We carried identical values for our families.

Her brown eyes welled with fresh tears as she recounted her heartache. Everything had changed. Her daughter came around less often. She moved to a new city and prefers her independence. She doesn’t return home when the other kids do; she seems angry or annoyed with her family.  Wendy wondered why.  “What have I done? I’m so concerned for her.  What should I do?”  

She wrestled with feelings of inadequacy, shame, loss of connection.  She never imagined her adult child would feel so distant. After years of praying for her kids, she wondered how she ended up in this spot?  “Where is God in it?” she pleaded.

I reached for her hand and willed hope to rise in her heart. “I know it hurts. I know you’re confused, but I believe there’s one thing we can give our kids. It’s love. We have to love them through it.”

Love is the key to healing. Love is the path to restoration.

As children of God, love must be our guiding action.  Instead of defensiveness, control, correction, or manipulation, could we, instead, lead with love?  See, love covers (Proverbs 10:12). It doesn’t point out the wrongs, or give disapproving glances. It covers, protects, shields, and restores.

The Holy Spirit is the one who brings correction and conviction, and even then, He moves because of His love. There is no harshness or condemnation. It’s not who God is. But momma, you are not your adult child’s Holy Spirit. You are called to love and leave the rest to God.


Keys To Love

Here are three key passages that teach us how to love:

  •  Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins.” - 1 Peter 4:8 This is a powerful admonition for us to show deep affection for our adult children.  We don’t point out their flaws or missteps. We don’t shame or belittle because love covers! Love is a blanket over our expectations, so instead of judging our adult kids, we adore them. Love is a person and His name is Jesus. Let’s look at our adult kids the way Jesus looks on us, with eyes of warm mercy and compassion. Let’s let the Holy Spirit bring conviction. That is not our job.

  • “So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other.  Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.” - John 13:34-35 Papa has given us a command to love each other.  We don’t get to withhold our devotion. God is our model for tenderness; we look to Him for clues on how to love. We are free to appreciate others the way He has loved us. His fondness is unending, enduring forever, as it reaches to the heights and depths. We can’t escape His love. Let’s not allow our adult children to be confused or unsure of our dedication to them. 

  • “Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” - 1 Corinthians 13:7 Momma, you’re going to want to quit. You’ll become weary in waiting, but love never ends.  It perseveres through hardship, disappointment, and hopelessness. No matter what your adult child faces, we can be a source of love. We must continually return to God as He pours out His love upon us.  Pray that God would reveal His great love to your adult child.  I long for my children to be overwhelmed with His love for them.  In the waiting, we trust God is revealing His devotion to their hearts and minds.

Instead of rescuing or fixing, persuading or cajoling, could we lead with love, midlife momma? Could affection be the element that draws them to you and to the heart of God? 

Do they hear love in your tone when you talk to them? Do they see affection in your eyes?  Even when they are facing challenging circumstances or their life is falling apart, we minister love. Could your devotion bring the healing they so desperately need?

Let’s pray.

Dear Papa, help me stay so close to You as You Infuse my heart with love.  May devotion overflow from You to me, then unto my adult child.  Help me set aside criticism, judgment and harshness for tenderness, compassion and support.  May my love be a healing balm in my child’s life.  Pour out Your love upon them so they can experience Your goodness. 

I’ve created a free guide for you, “Five Ways To Support Your Adult Child.” Just leave your name and email so I know where to send it.

How To Trust God

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How To Trust God

“When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?”-Psalm 56:3-4

Desperate Situations

I reached for my phone, as my Moriah’s name appeared on the screen. “I need to get out, mom,” she said resolutely. I sighed a prayer of relief. I rearranged my schedule and drove the four and half hours to help her pack. Thoughts rolled through my head, on the tedious drive, as I flung desperate prayers to heaven. God please, let him not be there. Please help us get her packed quickly. Please heal her broken heart. Fear and relief marched side by side in my mind.

We huddled in the closet of her loft apartment in downtown Des Moines. The concrete floors were cold beneath us, indicative of the mood, as Moriah riffled through her clothes.

Hot tears streamed down her face, as anguished cries escaped her mouth. “I’ve ruined everything. My life is one big disappointment!”

I sat beside her, heartbroken and afraid. What can I do? What should I say? These questions raced through my head as my daughter prepared to leave an unhealthy relationship. I waffled between resentment and hopefulness.

I felt satisfied with her determination to acknowledge and respond to the red flags in her relationship. But at that moment, I was certain my heart would break for her vulnerable state. “You are the bravest young woman, I know.” I choked.

I held her tight, willing her to receive some of my strength. God met us there, on the frigid floor. She may not have recognized it, in her pain, but He buoyed me, as my heart sank. I had never experienced this depth of powerlessness with my child. I doubted my skills to handle it well. I was desperate for Godly wisdom.

Oh, how I wanted to rescue and fix her all those months. We had conversations about his behavior and what it meant. Deep down, I resented him, but I simply said, “if you stay, it will be hard.” I could not tell her to leave because it was not my place. She had to realize the complexities of her situation and make her own decision. By the grace of God, she did, as courage welled within her.

Midlife momma, our children will face situations where we will want to fix and rescue. We will want to scream, “Don’t do that!” but in this phase with our kids, we must hold our tongues. This will be the season we cling to God. We will trust Him.

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How Trustworthy is God?

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How Trustworthy is God?

“The LORD is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him.”-Psalm 28:7

Sleepless Nights

I roll over and see the red numbers of the digital clock mocking me again. It’s 4:00am, two hours until the alarm blares. I sigh heavily, hoping to turn off the thoughts rolling through my head. Sleep isn’t my friend lately. Is it menopause or is it worry? Sometimes it’s hard to tell, but tonight I’m thinking about my grown kids. They’re all navigating hard situations while I feel overwhelmed and helpless.

Keenan has been battling an undiagnosed condition for nearly a year. He’s had countless scans, blood work, and still no answers. Every joint in his body aches, and he can barely walk. His life has been drastically affected.

Moriah desperately desires a career in her field. She’s spent months hunting for jobs, and no one will take a chance on her even with a master’s degree. She’s bright, driven, creative and hard working. Her retail management position leaves her drained and unfulfilled.

Caleb is wrestling with future plans. Should he and his new bride move across the country? But, then they’ll be starting over and far from family. They need clarity for the right decision.

Rebekah holds a taxing university job and is pursuing her masters degree. Her husband works for a large church that is understaffed. They have little margin in their days and are pushed to exhaustion.

Keziah is newly married and navigating that along with a demanding role in a college ministry, a part time job, and finishing up her undergrad degree in May.

So, I toss and turn, fretting and frustrated. I can’t change anything. I am powerless to help them, but there’s one thing I can do. I can entrust them to my powerful King.

I roll out of bed and head to the quiet place. Bible in hand and a pile of snotty tissues, I pray to my trustworthy God. I recount His promises and let go, again. I exchange my fear for His confidence. I lay the burdens down as I allow my heart to trust Him.

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Beyond Tired, (Exhausted Actually).

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Beyond Tired, (Exhausted Actually).

There was a mom who was really tired. BEYOND TIRED.

She was counting down the hours to “end” her active parenting.

It had been every day for 25++ years.

She found herself sitting on the floor, covered in empty boxes, about to sleep on a futon that had been through her three other college kids and was now gracing the dorm room of her baby.

She couldn’t believe she was finally here.

But she knew why she was absolutely exhausted. Who wouldn’t be?

She lay awake thinking about ALL.THE.THINGS.

ALL. THE. THINGS.

*Q-tips covered in alcohol carefully for 10 days on each of four babies’ umbilical cords until that gross thing turned black and fell off

*Shopping with four children under seven (it was like taking four goats to the store…I “kid” you not…get it? get it? I “kid” you not)

*Sorting legos into bags by color, size and type at least 52 times (to be exact)

Playing Ms. PacMan on Nintendo 64 surrounded by eight excited eyes until she beat all the levels and killed the witch

*Filling out back-to-school forms until her eyes twitched and hands curled up in agony (can’t this be computerized school board?)

*Packing 180 (# of days in a school year) X 4 (# of kids in her house) X 13 (# of school years) lunches (equals 9,360)

*Chore charts, memory verse charts, learn-to-pee-and-poop-on-the-potty charts, and behavior charts, all complete with stickers and prizes

*Watching (or at least hearing from the kitchen) ad nauseam reruns from the Disney Channel, Nick Jr., PBS, Cartoon Network and Netflix

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I Wasn't Ready For It To Be Over

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I Wasn't Ready For It To Be Over

The “First Lasts”

As the door rolled up, I held my breath, anxiously watching as the team surged onto the field, a sea of black and gold taking their places for warm-ups in the state semi-final football game. With each jumping jack and stretch, I tried to prepare myself for the game, knowing this could be the last one--but hoping it wouldn’t be. It was our high school’s first appearance in a semi-final game in 14 years--and it was my son’s senior season. My husband and I could not have been more proud.

The beginning of the football season a few months ago officially ushered in the season of “last firsts,” and was the trigger that brought me face to face with the reality that my time with our son in our home is quickly slipping away. The last first game of the season. The last time I would watch him warm up with his teammates. The last time my son would play at his high school stadium. Ever. As the momentum shifted early in the second half of the semi-final game, it became clear this would be the final game of his high school football career.

At home that night, we wrapped him in a big hug in our living room while he fought back emotion and confessed, “I wasn’t ready for it to be over.” Acknowledging time, and an era, passing that he now understood would never return. In my mind I thought, me neither, son. And I wasn’t just thinking about football. His words perfectly captured my feelings about the season we find ourselves in.

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What To Do When An Apology Is Rejected

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What To Do When An Apology Is Rejected

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”- Matthew 11:28 NLT

Restless

Sarah crawls to her chair, defeated before she tries to connect with God. Her nights are filled with memories of conversations she’s had with her distant child. She hasn’t slept well for months.

They used to be so close. “What happened?” she wonders. She rehearses each conversation in her mind, doubting every word she speaks. “Should I have said this? Did I do it wrong, God? I was trying to do the right thing, but now I’m all alone.”

Hot tears stain her Bible as she continually rehearses the hurt. These thoughts run through her mind constantly, stealing her peace. She’s prayed, begged God and apologized so many times, yet her grown child remains aloof and unphased by her kind gesture.

Sarah strains to find the good in God’s Word. Hopelessness consumes her as she wades through her days in a continuous fog of pain, self-loathing, shame and doubt.

What’s a mom to do when a child won’t receive her apology? Where does she turn? How does she find peace and hope again after she’s been battered by one she’s loved deeply?

Complex Topic

This topic of apologizing is complex and difficult to navigate. Please know my heart is not to bring condemnation nor provide simple answers. Let’s wade through this topic together, extending grace as we go.

There are two camps when it comes to apologizing:

-The Prideful: They bristle and won’t budge and would never apologize to their grown children. I’ve seen it in families, and it’s caused irreparable harm in their relationship. There is distance and harshness all around.

-The Hopeless: They have apologized profusely and are left in a pile of brokenness, wishing they could change their relationship, but their child refuses their love and kindness. This is the most heartbreaking of all.

Most of us probably fall somewhere in the middle on our ability to apologize and see progress in our relationship with our adult kids. So let’s address the hopeless today because my heart breaks for these moms.

There is no greater pain than when you’ve humbled yourself before someone to apologize and they don’t accept your words. What are we to do with our bleeding heart? What does this mean for our relationship with our adult child?

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The Power of An Apology

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The Power of An Apology

“Be completely gentle and humble, be patient, bearing with one another in love.”-Ephesians 4:2

That Annoying Sound

The sound machine, on high volume, swooshed the most annoying sound. It didn’t replicate ocean waves, at all, as the high volume distorted into jarring white noise. It grated on my soul. I tossed and turned in restless fits as our infant grandson, Gus, slept peacefully. We had the only guest bedroom at Mom and Don’s condominium and we had to share with Gus because he needed a dark room and the noise machine to sleep. Everyone else was laid out on air mattresses in the living room. This was our only alternative if I wanted a comfy bed versus a lumpy air mattress.

I flipped and flopped all night long, deeply annoyed by the offensive sound. Gus was sound asleep. Couldn’t I just turn it down a little? Every time I tried, Gus woke up and Keenan, his dad, would come in and comfort him. This went on all night. I was frustrated. Keenan was agitated and we couldn’t wait for the dawn to break, so we could end this insanity.

At morning's arrival, Keenan asked to talk to me. He was livid. We sat on the edge of the bed, while everyone else was still asleep. With our bedhead and bleary-eyes, I could see the anger and hurt on his face. He told me how he felt. I was crushed by hurting him. I listened and let him pour out the pain and then I did the only thing I could do. I apologized.

I was broken for hurting him, and for being so selfish about the stupid sound machine. I had dismissed his parenting choice, which hurt him deeply. He realized he may have overreacted from the sheer exhaustion of it all. Hot tears fell, but we wrapped up the conversation with a big hug. We extended grace to each other.

Apologize, Mom

Most often the conflicts or tension we experience in our relationships are because both parts are contributing to the stress. It’s never just one or the other. As we navigate this new way of relating to our kids, it’s often hard for moms to change roles. It’s difficult to not make all the decisions anymore. Resentment can grow quickly when communication or expectations have been challenging.

The antidote for bitterness is a gentle tone and a quick apology. It diffuses conflict and brings the relationship back to civility. The tension is removed and a tone of understanding and respect returns.

Are you the kind of mom who apologizes easily or are you a bit too proud for that? Are you the mom who squares her shoulders and digs in her heels with her adult kids? Do you set your jaw and harden your heart in conflict? Conflicts will come; they’re inevitable in this season of parenting. Apologizing is helpful.

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Three Ways to Use Restraint While Listening to Your Adult Child

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Three Ways to Use Restraint While Listening to Your Adult Child

“A wise man will hear and increase in learning.” -Proverbs 1:5

Quiet Conversations

It was late at night as we gathered as a family after Keziah and Forrest’s wedding rehearsal dinner. The room was buzzing with conversation and laughter, as Keenan, our oldest son, pulled me aside and wanted to talk. Keenan’s not one for small talk and neither am I. I love to get to the heart of the matter in our conversations. We’re not afraid to be honest and vulnerable with each other. Usually our conversations involve tears because that’s how we’re wired. We sat on the kitchen stools as he started the conversation. He was animated and passionate because that’s his personality.

I didn’t agree with everything he said, but I knew the greatest gift I could give him in this moment was my undivided attention and a listening ear. I leaned in and looked him in the eye, and I saw nothing but love and compassion. I tuned out the rest of the family because this was important to him, and I wanted him to know it was important to me too.

As he spoke, I proposed in my heart to listen for understanding. I wanted to hear beyond the words to the message between the lines. I wanted to comprehend his heart. I was going to set aside my agenda, my opinion, and truly hear him.

He gave me the opportunity to share my heart too. But I did it with humility, relying on the power of God. I walked away from the conversation knowing I had heard him and validated his opinion. I leaned in, was present, and truly heard where he was at. I felt like the right thing to do.

Listen With Restraint

Listening doesn’t have to be a grin and bear it exercise, as you grit your teeth in frustration. Listening is a gift of love, an act of surrender, and a partnership with the Divine, even when your relationship with your adult child is complicated and messy. Especially when what you are hearing is different from what you believe or agree with.

Listening well communicates compassion, validation, and empathy. Paying attention is the one benefit we can freely give. It’s an opportunity for grace to flow.

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The Beauty of Listening To Your Adult Child

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The Beauty of Listening To Your Adult Child

“Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters; You must all be quick to listen slow to speak and slow to get angry.”- James 1:19

Hard Conversations

I could feel the tension in the air as we walked and talked that hot summer day. Caleb had reluctantly joined the family for a few days at our annual trip to Family Camp. I felt the resistance, and I could see the pain on his face.

This was the last place he wanted to be. He didn’t want to be boxed in by God or the church. I knew he had been wrestling with God for a few years. He was filled with doubts and probably some anger towards the church. I don’t think being a Pastor’s kid was an easy thing for him. He was now a college student and free to make his own choices, and he had picked up some new views about the world.

I asked him about his dad’s healing. “How do you explain dad’s miraculous healing from multiple sclerosis?” He looked at the ground, as we walked and said, “Science has proven the body can regenerate itself.” It felt like someone punched me in the gut! I avoided his gaze and tried to muster all the restraint I could and said, “Oh, it can, can it?” My comment was laced with sarcasm and bitterness. And that was the end of our conversation. I walked away dejected and fearful, and he left the conversation feeling frustrated. I’d blown it, for sure, when it came to listening.

A Listening Ear

As we enter this unfamiliar, supportive role in parenting our adult children, one of the greatest gifts we can give them is a listening ear. In the past we wanted to correct, instruct, and train, but those days are behind us. This is a new season which requires new skills.

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The Heart Work Required to Release Expectations

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The Heart Work Required to Release Expectations

“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.”-Psalm 51:10

The Voice of Shame

I don’t want to face it. I’d rather hide from it, but today I’m smacked with my shame. She cuts with her remarks.

You are a failure!

You couldn’t even pray well enough for your kids!

You really messed it up, mom!

What kind of Christian are you?

I sat in a puddle of tears again, wishing, hoping, praying my child wasn’t walking away from God. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. This isn’t the vision I had for our family.

The Holy Spirit gently whispers in my thoughts, “This isn’t about your child. I hold your child. What I want to talk about today is your heart. Let’s look at why you feel shame. It’s more about you than them.”

Honestly, facing the condition of my heart wasn’t something I wanted to do.

Wouldn't it be easier to focus on how they had let me down?

God graciously revealed areas of pride, judgement, and criticism I had allowed to grow in my heart surrounding this child. He led me to understand my expectations were harming this child. While the enemy wanted to beat me down with shame, the Holy Spirit wanted to grow me. He lovingly revealed how my motives were the things hurting this child. This was the beginning of my letting go and I didn’t experience humiliation nearly as often.

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Expectations Lead to Disappointment for the Midlife Mom

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Expectations Lead to Disappointment for the Midlife Mom


“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” - Ephesians 4:2

Great Expectations

Our firstborn has been newly wed since August, and I braced myself for the conversation we’d have with our son and his young wife. The holidays were approaching, and it was time to talk about where they would spend Thanksgiving and Christmas. I dreaded this topic because I knew it was going to burst the expectation I had for holidays.

Why did I wrestle with my expectations? Why was I so selfish? What right did I have that everyone should bow to my presumption for special occasions?

I adored Christmas with our little family. The commotion of having them all together filled my heart with immense joy. Bob would keep a roaring fire going in the fireplace. Keenan carousing at the piano filled our home with playful music. Moriah chased someone around the house in her usual mischief-making ways. Caleb and Keziah shared an inside joke while Rebekah joined me in the kitchen.

Having them all near filled me with nostalgia, and I couldn’t wait to add Michelle to our family celebrations. My hubby wasn’t close with his family, so I never had to share when Christmas rolled around. We had been making the trek to my mom’s house for decades, so it seemed normal our kids would want to be with us. I looked forward to the new tradition with our young married children.

With a grace and maturity beyond their years they said, “We’ve decided to share holidays. One year we’ll spend Thanksgiving with you and then we’ll spend Christmas with Michelle’s family, then the next year we’ll flip.” They were sweet, calm, and nonchalant about it. Inside, I didn’t want to let go of my assumption of yearly Christmas together. It made me sad to think of them not being a part of our traditions, but releasing my demand was the best thing to do.

Eleven years later, we’ve fallen into a beautiful rhythm, and we know exactly who’s going to be with us each holiday.

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Why Moms of Adult Kids Need Each Other

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Why Moms of Adult Kids Need Each Other

“Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.”- 1 Thessolonians 5:11

Honest Conversations

We gather on a spring Saturday morning at church for a Women’s Bring Your Own Breakfast event. Many in the room are middle aged moms like me, sporting their comfy Saturday clothes. We make our way around the table and share a little about ourselves. Normally I don’t prepare anything formal for these events but today I feel led to open a discussion about our grown kids.

Gingerly, I reveal how some of my kids are far from their Maker. I’m buoyed by the strength God has given me these past fourteen years. What once would have been a discussion leaving me in tears, now feels like an invitation to my greatest calling. God has been faithful to minister to my heart this past decade, and now He is asking me to share what I’ve learned.

One by one women open up about the heartache of watching their adult child walk away from God. Tears flow and knowing glances are shared. Hopelessness and shame abound. But this morning is an opportunity to extend warmth and grace. There’s a holy hush as women share their pain.

One burdened mom says, “It feels so good to talk about it. I’ve felt so alone in this. I thought I was the only one.” I see the relief on her face and a glimmer of hope in her eyes for the first time. I want to hug her close and tell her God will help her through because our Maker loves her child even more than she does.

We Need Each Other

There’s power in being in a room where grace-filled understanding and compassion are extended. We need each other!

I’m making it my mission to normalize these conversations so moms don’t have to hide in shame anymore or live years of self-loathing because they’ve somehow ruined their child’s life.

One of the most powerful tactics the enemy uses in our lives is silence and isolation. He convinces us to keep our mouths shut as we walk through this pain. We’re left feeling like we’re the only one going through this heartache. We scroll on social media assuming every other mom our age has navigated this transition well. We compare and criticize ourselves again.

We’re filled with questions, doubts, and “if only.” We feel less than, depleted and afraid. In our isolation we are only left with our perspective, which is usually faulty. We spiral downwards and wonder why God seems so far off.

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The Routinely Forgotten Moms of Adult Children

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The Routinely Forgotten Moms of Adult Children

“But now, O Jacob, listen to the Lord who created you. O Israel, the who formed you says, ‘Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you; I have called you by name. You are mine.” - Isaiah 43:1

Can We Talk?

I recognized the name in my direct messages from decades ago. We met through mutual friends and had kids of similar ages. Anna reached out wanting to know if we could talk. I sent her a message welcoming a conversation.

I heard the heaviness in her voice as she held back tears. “I love my adult kids so much, and we have a great relationship, but I see changes in my son and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to mess this up,” she says. Her adult son was raised in the church and went to a Christian college, and now his lifestyle is completely anti-God, and he told her he no longer believes in God.

“I feel like such a failure,” she cried. “I remember feeling like that, too,” I sighed. “I didn’t know who to talk to about it. I can’t talk to people at church because they’ll judge me. I’m so worried I’m going to do something wrong to damage our relationship, and I don't want to do that,” she said. “I didn’t know where to turn, and I thought of you,” she said. We chatted for thirty minutes as she poured out her heartache. I silently whispered a prayer of thanks for God sent her my way. We need each other. I listened and encouraged as she felt relieved to talk about it.

The Forgotten Moms

We have an army of forgotten moms trying to navigate their changing roles with their adult children, and they are filled with shame and don’t know where to turn. They suffer in silence assuming they’ve completely ruined their kids. They carry grief and emotional overwhelm.

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What A Boundary Is And Why You Need It

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What A Boundary Is And Why You Need It

“Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.”-Proverbs 4:23

Establish the Boundary

Deborah gathers her bag ready to head out for the day and sees her coworker, Julie coming toward her desk. Normally this would instill some anxiety in Deborah because Julie’s usual pattern is to not pull her weight on a project, then at the last minute she expects Deborah to finish it for her.

Julie smiles coyly and says, “Hey, Deborah, can you finish this part of our presentation? I don’t have time to get to it, and you’re so good with words. You do it so well every time.”

Deborah recognizes the tension rising in her stomach because as a people-pleaser she’s aware of her usual response. Normally she’d cave and not want to disappoint Julie. However, Deborah is weary and wants to learn new skills to let go of being a pleaser.

So this time she takes a deep breath and confronts Julie with a confident, “No, that won’t work for me, Julie. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Deborah grabs her bag and walks confidently out of the office. Butterflies swirl in her tummy, but she feels a sense of accomplishment for establishing a boundary with Julie.

Most people-pleasers have few boundaries, and this is what contributes to their weariness.


What is a boundary and why do I need it?

In the natural, we see boundaries as fences, walls, manicured lawns, and signs. A boundary communicates this is where my property begins. In the spiritual world, boundaries are just as real, but it’s hard for us to see them.

Dr. Henry Cloud describes boundaries like this:

Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership.

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Four Ways to Move Away From A Pleaser Mentality

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Four Ways to Move Away From A Pleaser Mentality

I have a treat for you today, friends. My friend, Heather Bjur offers a clinical perspective on what is happening for the pleaser. You’re going to love this!

Confronted

He looked me in the eye and very matter-of-factly said, “Heather, your persona is ugly.”

My fork, laden with that day’s salad bar offerings, stopped mid-air.

I glanced down at my lunch, having suddenly lost my appetite.

In five words, Larry Crabb exposed my deepest fear and my one tried-and-true mechanism for making life work. I wanted to appear intelligent, competent, and most of all, likeable. I thought these attributes I was pushing to the forefront were attractive, and while they are when emanating from a place of authenticity and humility, I was beginning to discover my persona had nothing to do with either.

I felt like barfing.

The Mask

Each of us operates with what Larry calls a persona: a mask that hides our true self. As we grew up, we discovered that in order to live in our environment, we needed to curb certain parts of our personalities, and magnify others. For many, myself included, that involved working hard to be pleasing to others. Sometimes this behavior is also called codependency. We all have different reasons for doing what we do; some grew up in alcoholic homes where being on guard with your best behavior was necessary for survival in the face of a drunk, angry parent. Some of us found we had more friends if we conformed to what we perceived others wanted us to be.

Whatever the underlying impetus for adopting a ‘pleaser’ mentality, there are two core truths pleasers have in common.

1. Self-Forfeiture. Our job, as children, is to learn from the adults in our lives who we are and how we fit into the world. When our family of origin is in any way dysfunctional, children are often left to ‘fend for ourselves’ emotionally, thus growing up with an emotional, and subsequently, relational deficit.

“A dysfunctional family does not acknowledge that problems exist, talk about them, or confront them. As a result, family members learn to repress emotions and disregard their own needs. They become ‘survivors.’” - From Bondage to Bonding by Nancy Groom.

To survive in a world that demands we conform to certain expectations, we quickly learn how to act, what to say, and how to maneuver to achieve some sense of stability. In this maneuvering, we forfeit who we truly are, believing we are somehow unacceptable or unlovable.

Rather than developing healthy self-esteem, people-pleasers become who they perceive others want them to be. Pia Mellody, in her book, Facing Codependence, calls this “other esteem.” What typically follows is a low sense of self-worth, self-neglect, and inability to use personal boundaries.

2. Shame. Without a solid sense of self, a child moves into adulthood with a profound sense of shame and loss which usually translates into anger. When shame, loss, and the subsequent anger remain unhealed, the pleaser struggles in relationships, often giving until they’re resentful, and become embittered at the lack of mutuality in the care offered by those who claim to be friends.

Asking for needs to be met is a significant challenge. “What if they see me as needy or vulnerable? Being needy isn’t attractive!” Just beneath the surface and driven by shame, the constant fear of rejection lies, dictating the pleaser remain silent about her desires

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How People Pleasers Are Burdened By Responsibility For Others

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How People Pleasers Are Burdened By Responsibility For Others

“Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.”- John 13:35

Overextended

Belinda rolls out of bed, exhausted before the day even starts. The kitchen sink is filled with last night's dishes. The load of laundry still sits on the couch unfolded. Her husband has already left for the office, so she’s in charge of wrangling the kids up for school and packing their lunches. She goes over the day's schedule. Elizabeth has soccer practice. Andrew has a dentist appointment. Their small group meets at seven, and she’s promised to bring a dessert.

She mulls over the conversation with her boss before she leaves work yesterday. As she’s rushing out the door to get Elizabeth to soccer practice, her boss pulls her aside. “Hey Belinda, I need this report tomorrow morning. You're just so good with words, could you write it up for me? You’re the best. I can always count on you.” Belinda sighs and puts on a smile, knowing full well she doesn’t have time for this, but how can she say no to her boss? He would think less of her. She wonders if her job could be in jeopardy.

She feels the tension in her shoulders and doesn’t want to do it, but she feels trapped. She shrugs her shoulders and says, “Sure, I can get that quick for you.” Outside she appears calm, but inside she’s seething. “Why does he always wait til the last minute and then make me responsible? Why can’t he get his act together? Why does his emergency become my problem? Why can’t I say no?”

Steward Yourself Well

According to Psychology Today, most people-pleasers are burdened by what they have to do. They carry the weight of their “yes.” They’ve overextended themselves and don’t know how to get out of the trap. They misunderstand their capacity to get things done all because they don’t want to upset or disappoint someone else. They are good at making everyone happy except themselves.

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How People-Pleasers Feel Responsible For Other's Feelings

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How People-Pleasers Feel Responsible For Other's Feelings

“If it is possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”-Romans 12:18

Walking On Eggshells

We gathered in my childhood home, an old rundown farmhouse. Dad, my stepmom, Midge, her two kids, my two brothers and their toddler together, Ben. Dad sat at the head of the table, Midge to his left. We were the quintessential blended family.

I could tell from the moment dad sat down, he was in a mood. His brown eyes downcast, and the downward turn of his mouth indicated he wasn’t up for shenanigans. My dad had two settings: happy or angry, and you never knew which one would show up at the dinner table.

Midge’s kids didn’t want to eat and that was not acceptable for my father. I cringed inside as he demanded they finish their food. I know better. We were raised to clean our plates, and we always did. We were required to sit at the table and finish even if we didn’t like the food. My cousin Katie once challenged my mom and sat at the table for hours staring at those uneaten peas.

I know how this works. I’ll do anything to not make my father upset. I distract the kids, I try to ease the tension in the room. I smile a sheepish grin, hoping to somehow placate my father, but it doesn’t help. I desperately want to make the stress go away. He’s upset, and I don”t want him to be angry. His rage scares me. We walk on eggshells whenever he’s in the room.

Why did I feel responsible for his feelings? I don’t think he once considered mine.

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How People-Pleasing Adds To Our Weariness

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How People-Pleasing Adds To Our Weariness

“I have loved you with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself.”-Jeremiah 31:3

In the Rest Over Weariness Series, we’ll spend the month of June addressing people-pleasing. It’s often the root of our exhaustion. First, let’s talk about how to identify it.

She Can’t Say No

Amanda slumps at her desk. Her shoulders hang low and her countenance reflects her frustration. She’s exhausted from her constant activity. Everywhere she turns people are asking things of her. Her aging mom needs her to take her to the store. Elizabeth, from church, can’t lead the outreach anymore and has asked Amanda to take her place. Amanda tried to say no but Elizabeth was very convincing. Besides if she said no, then Elizabeth would have a negative view of her or worse yet, she’d have to face God being disappointed in her. After all, aren’t we supposed to serve if we love God?

Her husband is late at the office again leaving Amanda to shuffle the kids about and get dinner ready on her own. The plates are left on the table, the kitchen counters are overrun with the mess of cooking dinner, and off the kids go to their rooms. Why did she agree to make the costumes for her daughter's second grade play?

She sits in silence overwhelmed and defeated. There’s no time for rest. There’s no way she can finish all the tasks she’s committed too. It’s been like this for years, and she’s certain she’ll die an angry, unappreciated, empty woman.

“If only I didn’t care so much what everyone thought of me. Why can’t I say no?” she ponders.

Are You A People-Pleaser?

Often the cause of our exhaustion is our propensity to people-please. We don’t want to let anyone down. We don’t want to inconvenience or hurt anyone’s feelings, so we push ourselves to look good in front of others, but we’re left burdened and overwhelmed.

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Abiding With God Leads to Rest

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Abiding With God Leads to Rest

“I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.” -John 15:5 NLT

Strive

Elizabeth rises early to spend time with God. She can’t miss a day on her YouVersion devotional reading. She knows what a faithful Christian woman is supposed to do and checks all the boxes so she can feel approved. She is driven to serve at her church and jumps at the chance to volunteer in Kid’s Church, help set up communion, lead a Women’s Bible Study, and join the outreach team to do yard work for widows.

She’s always going over the mental checklist in her head to see if she measures up. Is God pleased with her? Has she given enough? Has she served enough? She wonders if she’ll ever be able to hear God say, “well done good and faithful servant,” because on the inside

she feels anything but good.

She fought with her husband on the way to church. She yelled at her kids, and even cursed because she’s tired. She can’t keep up with all their activities. The driving them here and there, the endless laundry, the messes around the house. The kids have too many toys. Now it’s time to go through all the clothing to get ready for the next season. But there’s no time!!

She feels the pressure to look good, have a beautiful home, and charming children, and a devoted marriage. Another recipe flops and she’s ready to delete her Pinterest app because is any of it even real?

Pressure, coupled with exhaustion and feeling empty, keep her fleeing from God. Her life feels empty, and she’s not sure how to find her way back to God. Her endless striving gets her nowhere.

Abide More Strive Less

We mistakenly assume God only loves us because of how we perform, so we focus on the things we can control and produce. If we’re performing at peak capacity we feel loved and valued, even esteemed by God. But at the core of who we are, we feel we aren’t enough in and of ourselves.

We find ourselves lacking, insecure, overwhelmed, less than. So we push hard to control the outside, never addressing the longing inside to be known by our benevolent God. This endless chasing after projects, outcomes, and perfection leaves us weary. There’s only so much energy we have and when we pour it into outcomes, we don’t make time to address our heart cries.

We just want to be loved, accepted, and held by God.

The solution to endless performance is abiding. It’s our connection with God that strengthens us. He is the source of all life and apart from Him we are nothing. When we set aside performance for union, we are filled. The Holy Spirit satisfies the empty places with His grace and then we serve from a place of approval, not to receive it. God already approves of us and He proved it by sacrificing His son for us. There’s nothing we can add to the equation. No service, no pious offering, no endless striving will gain God’s love.

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How To Stop Being Perfect So You Can Rest

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How To Stop Being Perfect So You Can Rest

“How blessed is the one whom You choose and bring near to You. To dwell in Your courts. We will be satisfied with the goodness of Your house, Your holy temple.” - Psalm 65:4

Perfection

Michelle handles the meeting with grace as a mid-level manager. She has her facts straight, she’s decisive and competent as she leads her team. She has high expectations of her coworkers and can be critical when they don’t measure up. A lot of times, she’d rather do things herself so their incompetence doesn’t tarnish the project.

She spends extra hours at the office to make sure every project runs smoothly. Her name is on the line. She’s the “cross the t’s and dot the I’s” kind of manager. No detail is missed. On the outside, she looks cool and collected, but inside she’s riddled with self-doubt and insecurities. “What if they mess this up for me?” she worries. There is no room for mistakes with her projects.

Contrast this to her home where she’s been in a renovation project for two years because she can’t decide what paint color to use on the walls.. She’s paralyzed with fear that she’ll choose the wrong color. She seeks out everyone’s advice and opinion then remains in a state of indecision. Her fear of failure is so great, she’d rather not make the wrong choice, so the project is stalled. She withdraws and avoids so she doesn’t feel the pain of not doing something perfect. Her self-loathing can result in depressive episodes.

This constant pressure to perform at optimum capacity drains her emotionally and physically. She pushes hard at work, but then stays in bed for hours on the weekends because of emotional exhaustion. She often feels behind and never enough.

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