How People-Pleasing Hurts Your Relationship with Adult Child

Are you a Pleaser?

No girl dreams of growing up as a people pleaser, but many do. 

Christian women are taught to be helpful, serve, and support others. That’s great, but often, a mom gets lost in it all. She feels bitter, cheated, and inauthentic from trying to keep everyone in the family happy.

She put others’ needs before her own. This mom feels spread paper-thin and wonders why resentment constantly simmers under the surface.

There is a high cost of keeping the peace.

Let’s define it. People-pleasing is the desire to be agreeable, not create waves, and bring peace to our families. It seems innocent enough, but often, pleasing is driven by a sense of insecurity. It makes a mom feel needed and valued. She longs for her family’s approval, but she loses herself in the process.

People-pleasing can have a significant impact on moms with adult children, especially in the empty nest season. Here’s how it can play out and why it can be so draining:

1. Loss of Identity

When you are used to finding your worth in being needed, you may struggle when your adult children begin to pull away or assert independence. You often feel abandoned by your children, which creates greater insecurity when you're with them.

 You feel there’s never enough time with them, and you yearn to be near them. Your neediness can affect your connection with your grown kids, who want to be autonomous. When you understand that the goal of motherhood is to surrender your children to build their own lives, you’ll have more peace. God has good things ahead for you in terms of purpose. Diligently pursue God’s will for your life now that your kids are grown.

2. Resentment and Burnout

Trying to keep everyone happy, planning gatherings around everyone’s schedules, never saying no, avoiding conflict, can lead to exhaustion and quiet resentment. 

When you feel resentful, it’s usually because you’re stretched too thin trying to please everyone. It’s exhausting, and honestly, God is the only one we are to please. You were never meant to make everyone in your family happy all the time. That’s unrealistic and unattainable. The sooner you realize it, the less resentful you’ll feel towards your kids. It’s okay to think of your own needs, too. 

3. Fear of Rejection

Moms who people-please may fear that setting boundaries or expressing their true feelings will push their adult children away. So they stay silent, walk on eggshells, or say "yes" when they really mean "no", all to keep the peace.

I see this a lot with moms who are grandmothers. They can’t say “no” to babysitting even though they’re frazzled and don’t have time to do what they must do. You have permission to say “no” to your adult kids. It does not make you unkind or unloving; it means you understand your capacity and are saying “yes” to yourself.

4. Enabling Instead of Empowering

Trying to smooth things over or "rescue" adult children from discomfort can hold them back from growth. When you people-please, you enable your adult child not to mature. You swoop in to rescue and fix instead of allowing your grown child to problem-solve. Ultimately, your pleasing is keeping them immature. 

Your role now is to empower your grown child to live independently of you. You don’t have to drop everything the minute they call. Allow them to be responsible for themselves. Ask yourself, " Is this something my adult child can do on their own?” Chances are, they can when you allow them to.

5. Stifled Communication

Authentic connection requires honesty. When moms filter everything through “what will keep them happy with me?” it limits honest conversations and keeps relationships surface-level or strained.

There’s nothing worse than avoiding the elephant in the room. I know because I’ve done it, and I bet you have too. You are entitled to your opinions and beliefs even when they differ from those of your grown kids. Disagreeing with your child won’t harm your relationship. It will help them see you as a strong woman with your ideas.

 You can talk about your needs and wants as long as you aren’t demanding. You are part of the family, and your perspective matters, too. You won't agree with your kids on everything, and that’s okay. 

6. Spiritual Disconnect

For Christian moms especially, people-pleasing can compete with God-pleasing. When the approval of adult children becomes the ultimate goal, you may neglect your relationship with God. You will do anything to keep the peace and wonder why God seems so far away.

Being in relationship with God is our most significant relationship and sometimes you ignore the gentle nudges of the Holy Sprit because pleasing reigns king in your life. 

You don’t know how to stop, but God, in His faithfulness, will guide you to freedom from people-pleasing once you understand you have God’s full approval. You are valuable, loved, and cherished. You are the apple of His eye. He sings over you each day; knowing that is all you need.

Perhaps we’re a little conditioned to please as Christian moms, but when we understand the ramifications of this on our relationship with our kids, we can take the steps to believe we are fully loved, valued, and accepted as God’s daughters. We have God’s full approval, and He gives us the strength to live authentically and openly with our grown children.

Let’s pray.

Dear Papa, help me recognize my need to please and how it leaves me feeling depleted and inauthentic. My goal is to please you. Please help me do that, as I understand I always have your full approval, and that’s what I need most. Please help me not be a hindrance to my adult child’s growth. I want to pursue what you have for me this season. Amen.

Still struggling?

What did I say? Grab my free guide: 10 Things Not to Say to Your Adult Child(and 5 Ways to Stop Yourself From Saying Them), A starter list of things moms say that frustrate their adult children. Identify the statements that trip you up and learn strategies for more harmony and connection in your relationship with your grown children.

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