Letting Go of Control: How Christian Moms Can Trust God with Their Adult Kids
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“When I am afraid, I will trust in You. “ -Psalm 56:3
Letting go of control and trusting God with our adult children can be one of the hardest things for moms, especially if we’ve spent years nurturing, guiding, and praying for them.
When we’re honest, no mom wants to raise her hand and admit, “Yeah, I’m a complete control freak when it comes to my kids.” We bristle and like to avoid reality, but at our core, many of us struggle with being in charge.
It showed up in our hovering, intervening, and desiring never to see our children struggle or fail. We continually rescued them from their poor choices or trials, and hoped it would improve.
Now that they’re grown, we struggle with worry and sleepless nights, wondering if they’re doing okay emotionally, relationally, spiritually, financially, and academically. We hope they pick the right mate, land the perfect job, and stroll through life unscathed.
In her book, It’s All Under Control, Jennifer Dukes Lee said, “You may need to let go of that deluded belief that if you worry about something enough, it will resolve itself.” Goodness, that one hits us in the gut, doesn’t it? Worry is delusion. Nothing good ever comes of worry except that we lose our peace. It doesn’t change anything for our adult child’s life. It simply makes us miserable.
We feel the pull to rescue, advise, and influence their choices, but we are called to trust God.
This season is a beautiful invitation into deeper faith.
As we release control, we submit to God’s work in our lives and our grown kids' lives. We humble ourselves and lean in as God says, “I’ll take it from here, Momma. Rest in Me. I hold all things together. This was never a burden you were to bear.”
Powerful steps to help you release control and truly trust God:
1. Recognize What’s Yours and What’s God’s
Remind yourself that you’re no longer the manager but a mentor.
Understanding this shift is monumental for a mom with grown children. Resisting this growth stage will hamper your connection with your kids. They will pull away, angered by your controlling habits.
Your child is now responsible for their own choices. God doesn’t ask you to fix everything; He asks you to entrust them to Him. Your role has shifted, but your prayers are still powerful. God hears your every plea and will settle your heart as you talk to Him.
2. Trade Control for Connection
Controlling behavior often stems from fear. You're afraid of outcomes beyond your reach, and you’re fearful of their choices and how they will make you look as a mom. You raised them to know God. It’s not your fault if they choose differently now. But you do not control the choices your grown kids make. They have free will.
Fear ultimately blocks intimacy. Instead of trying to control outcomes, focus on building a safe, loving relationship where your child knows they are accepted, even when making different choices than you’d hoped. Focus on maintaining open communication where your child receives unconditional love.
3. Pray Instead of Push
When you feel the urge to give advice or step in, pause and pray. Ask:
“God, what do You want me to say (or not say) right now?”
“How can I show love instead of fear?”
When you pause, you make room for the Holy Spirit to intervene in a situation that you might want to control. As you listen for God’s voice, He will guide you when to speak and be quiet. Remember the power of a word aptly spoken. It seems like this is the season of less talking and more listening.
Prayer is how we fight spiritual battles without straining our relationships. Our communion with God is the foundation of our peace. As we release control, we invite our Mighty God to intervene in our child’s life. As we settle in His embrace, we ask Him to rule over our fear.
4. Surrender Daily
Releasing control isn’t a one-time act; it’s a daily surrender. God calls us to a life surrendered. When fear rises, instead of seeking to control, use it as an invitation to surrender. Some moms find it helpful to say each morning:
"God, I place [child’s name] in Your hands today. I trust You with their heart, their choices, and their future."
Open your hands as you release them to God. Surrender as many times as you need. Write it in a journal. Speak it aloud. Ask God to infuse your spirit with His strength. Then surrender again until you feel His peace rush in.
5. Cling to God’s Promises
One way to still the fear is to cling to God’s promises. Fill your mind with truth to quiet the “what ifs.” Here are a few:
“The Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen and protect them.” -2 Thessalonians 3:3
“He who began a good work in them will carry it on to completion.” -Philippians 1:6
“Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He who will sustain you.” -Isaiah 46:4
Write some passages on index cards and carry one throughout your day. When worry rises, fight back with the truth of God’s Word. It’s a simple practice that invites immeasurable peace. After all, you can’t be worried while recounting God’s faithfulness.
6. Release the Guilt
Do you feel heavy guilt over past mistakes? When you live in regret and shame, you are haunted by past mistakes and parenting decisions. But guilt keeps you stuck in control. You hold on tightly, longing to change outcomes, but it usually backfires.
Grace sets you free to be a mom of peace instead of pressure. You need to accept that you did the best you could with the knowledge you had. You can experience grace for yourself and your grown children.
Remember, Jesus already carried your guilt; you don’t have to.
7. Surround Yourself with Encouragement
Find your tribe of midlife women who understand this struggle with control and will support you as you learn new habits. Walk with other women who are also learning to trust God with their adult kids. Whether it’s a Bible study, a prayer group, or a podcast (like The Midlife Momma Podcast 😉), don’t do this alone.
Letting go of control isn’t about giving up; it’s about giving over. It’s about placing our adult children into the hands of the One who loves them even more than we do. As hard as it is to release that grip, we can breathe easier knowing that God’s plans are always good, even when we can’t see the full picture.
So, momma, take heart. You don’t have to carry the weight of your grown kids’ lives. You were never meant to. Instead, step into this new season with open hands, a surrendered heart, and a deep trust in God’s goodness.
Keep praying, keep showing up in love, and keep reminding yourself, He’s got them, and He’s got you too.
Let’s pray.
Dear Papa, You know my problem with control. I confess it and I repent. Help me exchange my fears for heartfelt trust. I surrender my children into your care, and I trust Your good plans for them and me. Amen.
Still struggling?
What did I say? Grab my free guide: 10 Things Not to Say to Your Adult Child(and 5 Ways to Stop Yourself From Saying Them), A starter list of things moms say that frustrate their adult children. Identify the statements that trip you up and learn strategies for more harmony and connection in your relationship with your grown children.
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