6 Consequences For Not Letting Go and Trusting God with Your Adult Children

Those who know your name trust in you, for you, O Lord, do not abandon those who search for you. -Psalm 9:10

No mom wants to be a control freak, yet when we step back and observe our behavior, we often find that we desperately want to influence the outcomes in our adult children's lives. We struggle to remember we need to move from controlling to supporting.

What does it mean to let go? What are the consequences if we don’t?

Mel Robbins, author of the popular new book Let Them, suggests that we’ll experience greater freedom and peace by acknowledging our inability to control others or their actions. It encourages a shift in mindset where we focus on our reactions instead of trying to micromanage people.

For a mom with adult children, this means we will find significant peace when we let them make their own choices while we focus more on our response. We can’t or shouldn’t control their choices because they’re grown now. The only thing we can control is how we respond to their choices.  We give them freedom while we choose to remain at peace. This looks like active listening and empathy rather than correcting or trying to sway opinions.

We hold our grown children loosely, trusting in God.

Thankfully, in our relationship with the Lord, we understand that He is ultimately in control of all things. We can rest knowing that God sees our grown children and loves them, regardless of their actions. He’s familiar with rebellion because we’ve all been there, but our Maker has a way of drawing us near. He brings correction and conviction, but He does it from a heart of love. Isn’t God worthy of being trusted? Those who know your name trust in you, for you, O Lord, do not abandon those who search for you. -Psalm 9:10 

If a Christian empty nest mom doesn’t let go and trust God with her adult children, it can have deep emotional, relational, and spiritual consequences, not only for her, but for her whole family. 

Here's a breakdown of what can happen:

1. Emotional Burnout and Chronic Anxiety

Holding on too tightly often leads to constant worry over your child’s decisions or faith journeys. You spend your time focused on “what ifs” and worst-case scenarios. Sleepless nights become your routine. You experience emotional exhaustion as you bear the weight of their troubles. This is not how it’s supposed to be. Your grown children are responsible for carrying their burdens to God, not to you. You’re invited to give your cares to God. Let Him do the heavy lifting.

2. Strained Relationships with Adult Children

When you try to disguise your control as concern, your child can discern your desire to manage, and this puts a wedge in your relationship. They can feel smothered or judged, rather than loved. Resentment builds, or they create distance in your relationship. They call or text less, or may try to implement boundaries so they can be separate from you. 

 They don’t want to be fixed or saved; they simply want to be loved and valued right where they are. You may lose influence when your child feels controlled. They will stop listening and put up a wall. Losing control invites your grown offspring closer, and isn’t that what you want? 

3. Missed Opportunities to Grow in Faith

Not letting go stunts your spiritual journey. God wants to do a fresh work in your heart, and your desire for control stunts that. You may stay stuck in fear instead of faith. Your prayer life may be immature. God wants to mature you into deeper trust, but you cling to old ways. You might miss out on the peace that comes from truly surrendering control to your trustworthy God. Letting go is often the door to a deeper walk with God. Don’t miss out on this opportunity for a deeper, more contented understanding of God in this season of motherhood. God waits to hold you close and make you stronger.

4. Guilt, Shame, and Regret

The enemy of your soul will work tirelessly to keep you under guilt, shame, and regret. You’ll rehearse your past mistakes and wonder why things didn’t go as planned. The enemy will keep you internally focused and living in the past. Refusing to release control often leads to false guilt, as if your child’s entire future depends on your actions.

 But here’s the truth that will set you free. Your grown child is responsible for his choices. And here’s the goodness of God: there is grace for your past mistakes. You can let go and free yourself from guilt by apologizing when necessary and walking in the understanding that you did the best with the knowledge you had. 

5. Identity Crisis and Emotional Emptiness

If your identity was tied to being a mom, letting go can feel like a loss. But clinging to your old role keeps you from discovering the new purpose God has for you in this season. When you refuse to embrace the present, it leaves you emotionally stunted and leads to a lingering sense of purposelessness because you’re still trying to manage what God has asked you to release.

Motherhood is one role you held, but God has good plans for you.  You are invited to partner with God as you discover freedom and joy in the empty nest season. Freedom comes when you release control.

6. Hindering Your Child’s Growth

When you won’t let go, your child may struggle to become confident and independent, which is the goal of parenthood. You want to see them flourish on their own, apart from you. When you continually try to manage their lives, it can stunt their emotional and spiritual maturity because it prevents them from learning to trust God for themselves. Your adult child needs space to make mistakes, wrestle with their faith, and grow. You might unintentionally get in the way of God’s good work in your child's life. Your rescuing is a hindrance to their growth.

Instead, you step back and entrust your grown child to God, knowing they are responsible for their connection with God. As you let go, you make room for them to grow, and you too. 

Not letting go doesn’t make you a bad mom; it just means you’re human. But God’s invitation is clear: “Trust Me. I love them even more than you do.”

Letting go is not giving up. It’s giving them back to God and finding your peace again in the process.

Let’s pray.

Dear Papa, Help me recognize that there are consequences for myself and my grown kids when I refuse to release control. Give me the courage to face this season by letting go and trusting you more. I want to live in the freedom you offer. I want to believe that there’s so much good ahead, as I release my kids into your tender care. Amen.

Still struggling?

What did I say? Grab my free guide: 10 Things Not to Say to Your Adult Child(and 5 Ways to Stop Yourself From Saying Them), A starter list of things moms say that frustrate their adult children. Identify the statements that trip you up and learn strategies for more harmony and connection in your relationship with your grown children.

Leave your name and email so I know where to send it.