Don’t Avoid the Tough Talk: How to Start Holiday Planning Conversations with Adult Kids

As soon as November rolls around, the countdown to the holidays begins, and so does the pressure. Moms everywhere start asking the same questions: What will Thanksgiving look like this year? Will we all be together for Christmas? How do I honor our traditions without overwhelming my adult kids, or myself?

It’s completely normal to feel a mix of excitement and anxiety as the season approaches. You want to hold onto the warmth and connection of years past, but deep down, you know things are changing. One of the biggest emotional shifts a mom faces is accepting that holidays with adult children won’t look like they did when the kids were little, and that’s okay.

Instead of avoiding the discomfort, be the one to open the conversation. Talking openly about holiday plans can prevent misunderstandings, reduce stress, and even strengthen your relationships. With these six strategies, you’ll learn how to approach the holidays with more clarity, flexibility, and peace. They may look different, but they can still be just as meaningful.

1. Stop Avoiding the Elephant in the Room

The holidays are coming. Everyone knows it, but that doesn’t mean anyone’s talking about it. If you're like most moms, you may find yourself avoiding the conversation with your adult kids, hoping to sidestep disappointment or conflict. Maybe deep down, you already sense they won’t be coming home, and saying it out loud makes it real.

But here’s the truth: the longer you avoid the conversation, the more tension quietly builds. As the mom, you’re still the emotional leader in your family. When you take the courageous step to initiate the dialogue, you create space for honesty, tenderness, and understanding. You’re not being pushy. You’re paving the way for peace.

2. Invite Your Kids Into the Holiday Conversation

Your adult kids likely do have thoughts about the holidays, but they may be hesitant to share them. Why? Because they’re not sure how you’ll react. They don’t want to hurt your feelings or stir up tension. So instead, they stay quiet, and the disconnect grows.

One of the most powerful things you can do is invite them into a real conversation. Not a guilt trip. Not a one-way announcement. A true dialogue.

Get curious. Ask open-ended questions that show you're genuinely interested in their perspectives, not just preserving tradition for tradition's sake. Try asking:

• “What do you enjoy most about the holidays with family?”

• “What matters most to you when it comes to celebrating together?”

• “Are there any traditions you’d like to keep—or any you’re ready to release?”

When your kids feel heard, they’re more likely to engage. You’re not just planning a holiday. You’re building trust.

3. Maintain Emotional Self-Control

Momma, I know it stings when your kids tell you they won’t be home for Christmas. Your first instinct might be to cry, get quiet, or react with hurt. Those feelings are real, and it’s important to acknowledge them, but the middle of a holiday conversation isn’t the place to let them spill out.

It’s okay to gently say, “I’ll miss you,” but resist the urge to put the weight of your disappointment on your kids’ shoulders. They are not responsible for your happiness; you are. Take those raw emotions to God first. Talk them through with your husband or a trusted friend. Journal. Pray. Let the Lord meet you in the ache.

When you practice self-control, you create a safe environment for your kids. They’ll be more likely to open up honestly if they know they won’t be met with guilt, tears, or frustration. Your steadiness sets the tone and keeps the relationship strong.

4. Seek the Good of the Whole

Momma, the holidays aren’t about clinging to your picture of perfection; they’re about cultivating connection. Gone are the days of barking orders or insisting that everything be done “your way.” You’re no longer the director orchestrating every detail. You’re the mentor, guiding with grace.

When you step back and seek what’s best for the whole family, you create an atmosphere of unity. That might mean adjusting your menu, moving the celebration date, or letting go of a tradition that no longer serves this season. It’s not about losing control; it’s about gaining peace.

When every family member feels seen and valued, they’ll want to keep coming back, no matter how the holidays look. That’s the kind of legacy that outlasts the menu or the matching pajamas: a family that loves to be together because they know they belong.

5. Practice Radical Acceptance

Momma, one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself and your family is learning to practice radical acceptance. Here’s what that looks like: you’re free to choose a date that works best for you, but you must also accept the reality that not everyone may be able to come.

For example, this year I want to host Thanksgiving on the actual holiday; it’s been years since I’ve done that, and now that we live closer to our kids, I’m excited to cook for them. However, I also know that some of them may have to work or spend time with their in-laws, which means not everyone will be around my table. That’s disappointing, yes, but it doesn’t have to steal my joy.

Radical acceptance means you acknowledge the ache without letting it harden your heart. You hold space for gratitude for those who are present, instead of resentment toward those who can’t be. It also means trusting that there will be other holidays, other moments, and maybe even fresh traditions ahead.

When you release your grip on “how it has to be,” you free your heart to experience the beauty of “what is.”

6. If It’s All Too Stressful, Choose a Different Way

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, the family just can’t come to an agreement. That’s disappointing, but it doesn’t mean the holidays are ruined. It simply means they’ll look different this year, and different can still be good.

Instead of sitting in frustration, shift your focus. Maybe this is the year you and your husband lean into one another and create special memories, just the two of you. Plan a romantic getaway, serve a meal at a homeless shelter, or invite friends who might also be feeling the sting of change.

Remember, joy is not canceled because plans didn’t come together. You have the freedom to make new choices and the wisdom to try again next year. The key is to keep your heart tender toward your family, with no grudges or bitterness. Trust that God is still writing your family’s story, even if this chapter looks different from what you imagined.

Conversations about holiday plans with your grown kids won’t always feel easy, but they also don’t have to feel heavy. Momma, when you step into your role as the gentle leader of your family and ask God for the courage to talk openly, you create space for honesty, trust, and deeper connection. The holidays may not look exactly like they did when your kids were little, but different doesn’t mean less meaningful. With courage, flexibility, and a heart anchored in Christ, you can discover that this new season of celebration can be just as rich, joyful, and good.

Let’s pray.

Dear Papa, please give me the courage as I bring up this conversation with my grown children. Help me be a willing listener and accept the changes that may come. Bless these conversations so we can enjoy the holidays no matter what they look like. Amen.

Still struggling?

The Transitional Grief Journaling Guide is a faith-filled resource designed to help empty nest moms process the deep emotions of letting go. Through six guided reflection questions, you’ll name your feelings, invite God into your grief, and discover His comfort in the middle of change. This gentle companion will remind you that transitional grief is only a season and God is leading you toward peace, purpose, and joy.