How to Manage Holiday Expectations with Adult Children: Six Grace-Filled Strategies for Peace and Connection

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As the holidays draw near, many moms feel that familiar tug of nostalgia. We long for the simpler days when everyone was gathered around the same table, laughter filled the kitchen, and no one had in-laws or work schedules to consider. Back then, life felt cozy and connected; our kids were close, and so were our hearts.

But now, the empty chairs sting a little. Our grown children have new homes, new traditions, and new responsibilities. And when the holidays don’t look like they used to, disappointment can quietly creep in. We picture what should be, and before we know it, those expectations begin to steal our joy and strain our relationships.

Momma, what if this year looked different, not worse, just different, and still full of meaning? What if we could approach the holidays with open hands, trusting that God can make beauty out of change?

Proverbs 16:9 reminds us, “In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.” When we release our tight grip and let Him lead, peace begins to take root.

Let’s look at six grace-filled strategies to help you navigate holiday expectations with peace, flexibility, and deeper connection this season.

1. Be Self-Aware

Momma, have you ever felt that quiet heaviness during the holidays and couldn’t quite explain why? You love your family deeply, but something feels off. You miss how things used to be: the matching pajamas, the early morning giggles, the house buzzing with activity. You’re holding on to those precious memories, and that’s okay. But sometimes, clinging too tightly to what was can make it hard to receive the new season God has for you.

When your emotions start to spiral, when you’re irritable, hurt, or easily disappointed, it’s often a sign that unspoken expectations are running the show. Becoming self-aware helps you name what’s really going on beneath the surface. It’s not about guilt or shame; it’s about grace and growth.

Take time to pause and invite God into that inner space. Ask Him to reveal what’s stirring in your heart and to replace frustration with peace.

Psalm 139:23–24 says, “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

2. Name What You’re Holding

Momma, the purest way to manage those uncomfortable emotions that surface during the holidays is to name them. Don’t shove them down or pretend they’re not there. Have the courage to pause and ask yourself, “What am I really feeling?” Is it disappointment that your grown kids can’t all be home this year? Resentment because you feel left out of their plans? Maybe it’s sadness, rejection, or even fear that family traditions are slipping away.

Whatever you’re holding, bring it into the light. God can’t heal what we hide, but He lovingly meets us in what we’re honest about. When we name our emotions with self-compassion instead of judgment, we make room for grace. We’re not weak for feeling deeply; we’re human and beloved.

Psalm 34:18 reminds us, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

So, take a breath and whisper your truth to God. Let His gentle presence meet you in the ache. When we stop pretending everything’s fine and honestly name our pain, we open the door for His comfort and healing to flow in.

3. Understand the Impact of Expectations

Momma, let’s be honest, most of our holiday stress starts right here. Expectations can sneak in quietly, dressed as good intentions. We imagine what the holidays should look like, how the house should feel, and who should be around the table. But when reality doesn’t match our vision, disappointment moves in, and suddenly our joy feels stolen.

Holding too tightly to expectations not only hurts you, it strains your connection with your adult children. When you insist things go your way, you unknowingly communicate, “My comfort matters more than our relationship.” That’s never your heart, but it can feel that way to them. Grown kids want to come home because they’re welcomed, not guilted.

The truth is, expectations create pressure, but grace creates peace. When you release your grip, you make space for empathy, flexibility, and authentic joy.

James 3:17 reminds us, “But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.”

When you trade your expectations for God’s wisdom, peace begins to flow again. You start to value connection over control, and that’s where the sweetest holiday moments are found.

4. Practice Flexibility to Build Connection

Momma, the antidote to unmet expectations is flexibility. When you loosen your grip on how the holidays should look, you open your hearts to the beauty of what can be. A flexible mom knows that Christmas morning might not happen on December 25th, and that’s okay. What matters most is being together, whenever and however that happens.

A flexible mom listens with love. She shares what’s meaningful to her but also makes space for what matters to her grown kids. She doesn’t stew in disappointment when plans shift or someone can’t make it home. Instead, she blesses the time she does have and chooses gratitude over grumbling. Her gentle adaptability becomes the glue that holds her family close, even across miles and time zones.

Philippians 2:4 reminds us, “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

When you model humility and flexibility, you show your children what love looks like in action. The result? Deeper connection, softer hearts, and a home, whether full or quiet, that radiates peace and grace.

5. Partner with God in Surrender

Momma, surrender isn’t giving up; it’s giving over. As a parent of adult children, you’re learning that surrender is the secret to peace and strong connection. It’s laying down your expectations, not in defeat, but in trust. Trust that God loves your family even more than you do.

You can bring every disappointment, every lonely ache, and every “this isn’t how I pictured it” moment to a gracious God who never shames or condemns. In surrender, you place your desires at the feet of Jesus and whisper, “Your will, not mine.” You loosen your grip on the past and open your hands to the new thing God is doing right now.

Isaiah 26:3-4 promises, “You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal.”

Surrender anchors your soul in peace. You stop striving to control and start resting in God’s faithful hands. Even in the ache, you can be confident. He’s working in your heart, in your children’s lives, and in the story He’s still writing for your family.

6. Things Can Look Different and Still Be Good

Momma, this season may not look like years past, but that doesn’t mean it’s any less beautiful. When we release what was, we make space to see what is. God is still here, weaving His goodness through every moment, even the quiet ones.

As you accept the changes in your family’s holiday rhythm, take notice of His presence in the simple things: a conversation that makes you laugh, the warmth of a candle, a moment of stillness that softens your heart. When you center yourself on God’s faithful love, gratitude begins to grow. The pressure fades, and peace settles in.

Those who gather around your table, whether few or many, will feel that peace. Your contentment fills your heart and spills over unto everyone around you. 

Psalm 27:13 says, “I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.”

Things can look different and still be so very good. God is near, His goodness surrounds you, and your family is lovingly held in His hands.

Momma, expectations don’t have to steal your joy this holiday season. When we recognize how they shape our emotions and relationships, we can pause, reflect, and invite God to help us adjust. As we become more self-aware, flexible, and surrendered, our home becomes a place of peace, one that our adult children want to return to.

Remember, the heart of the holidays isn’t found in perfect plans or everyone being together, it’s found in the presence of God and the love that flows from Him through you. Whatever this season looks like, it can still be good, because God is good, and He’s right there in the middle of it all.

Let’s pray.

Dear Papa, help me release any expectations I carry so they don’t rob me of the joy of celebrating this holiday season. Help me be flexible as we make family plans. Help me honor You and spread love to my family this holiday season. Amen

Still struggling?

The Transitional Grief Journaling Guide is a faith-filled resource designed to help empty nest moms process the deep emotions of letting go. Through six guided reflection questions, you’ll name your feelings, invite God into your grief, and discover His comfort in the middle of change. This gentle companion will remind you that transitional grief is only a season and God is leading you toward peace, purpose, and joy.

Don’t Avoid the Tough Talk: How to Start Holiday Planning Conversations with Adult Kids

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Don’t Avoid the Tough Talk: How to Start Holiday Planning Conversations with Adult Kids

As soon as November rolls around, the countdown to the holidays begins, and so does the pressure. Moms everywhere start asking the same questions: What will Thanksgiving look like this year? Will we all be together for Christmas? How do I honor our traditions without overwhelming my adult kids, or myself?

It’s completely normal to feel a mix of excitement and anxiety as the season approaches. You want to hold onto the warmth and connection of years past, but deep down, you know things are changing. One of the biggest emotional shifts a mom faces is accepting that holidays with adult children won’t look like they did when the kids were little, and that’s okay.

Instead of avoiding the discomfort, be the one to open the conversation. Talking openly about holiday plans can prevent misunderstandings, reduce stress, and even strengthen your relationships. With these six strategies, you’ll learn how to approach the holidays with more clarity, flexibility, and peace. They may look different, but they can still be just as meaningful.

1. Stop Avoiding the Elephant in the Room

The holidays are coming. Everyone knows it, but that doesn’t mean anyone’s talking about it. If you're like most moms, you may find yourself avoiding the conversation with your adult kids, hoping to sidestep disappointment or conflict. Maybe deep down, you already sense they won’t be coming home, and saying it out loud makes it real.

But here’s the truth: the longer you avoid the conversation, the more tension quietly builds. As the mom, you’re still the emotional leader in your family. When you take the courageous step to initiate the dialogue, you create space for honesty, tenderness, and understanding. You’re not being pushy. You’re paving the way for peace.

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Boundaries with Adult Children: Phrases and Behaviors to Avoid

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Boundaries with Adult Children: Phrases and Behaviors to Avoid

If you’ve ever hesitated to set boundaries with your adult child, you’re not alone. Many moms feel torn, worried they’ll come across as harsh, pushy, or unloving. Others simply don’t know the right words to use, so they stay quiet and hope things will get better on their own.

But here’s the truth: healthy boundaries are not about control, they’re about love. Boundaries create space for respect, clarity, and connection. They require courage, self-awareness, and honest communication. And as Christian moms, we have the comfort of knowing that boundaries are God’s idea.

Jesus modeled them beautifully. He withdrew to rest and pray, said “no” when necessary, and confronted unhealthy behavior with both truth and grace. He showed us that it’s possible to be firm without being unkind and that boundaries can actually strengthen relationships rather than tear them down.

That’s exactly what we long for as moms of grown children: deep connection that isn’t clouded by guilt, frustration, or resentment.

With that in mind, let’s look at six common phrases and behaviors to avoid when setting boundaries with your adult kids, so you can protect your relationship while honoring the Lord.

1. Don’t Speak in Anger


 When we feel taken advantage of, resentment can simmer until it finally bubbles over. That’s when we’re tempted to snap, lash out, or say something we’ll regret. But anger rarely builds connection; it usually drives a wedge deeper.

Instead, take your frustration to the Lord first. Pray, journal, or take a walk to process your emotions before you speak. When your heart is calm, you’ll be able to approach your adult child with gentleness and wisdom. That way, the boundary you set won’t be clouded by harsh words but will be rooted in love, truth, and respect.

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Why Setting Boundaries Is One of the Best Gifts You Can Give Your Adult Child

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Why Setting Boundaries Is One of the Best Gifts You Can Give Your Adult Child

Many Christian midlife moms silently wrestle with the idea of setting boundaries, especially when it comes to their adult children. We’ve been conditioned to believe that boundaries are harsh, unloving, or even a form of punishment for a child who’s struggling.

Church culture often reinforces the message that a godly woman should always sacrifice, always say yes, and always put her family first, no matter the cost. Over time, this well-meaning belief can lead to exhaustion, resentment, and relationships that feel anything but healthy.

But here’s the truth: the way you love your children needs to mature as they do.

When they were little, love looked like meeting their every need, late-night cuddles, scraped knees, and lunchboxes packed with care. But now that they’re adults, love looks different. It looks like wisdom, respect, and healthy boundaries.

As Christian counselor Leslie Vernick says, “Boundaries aren’t to push people away, but to create the space where love can grow safely.”

Setting boundaries isn’t selfish. It’s not unkind. It may be one of the greatest gifts we can offer our adult child, because boundaries pave the way for respect, growth, and lasting connection. Let’s look at six reasons why setting boundaries is a gift to our adult children.

  1. Boundaries are love with limits:

At their core, boundaries aren’t about control, they’re about clarity and care. They help you recognize where your responsibility ends and your adult child’s begins. Boundaries remind you that while you love deeply, you are not responsible for managing your child’s life, emotions, or outcomes.

Think of a boundary like a fence around your yard, not a wall to keep people out, but a clear marker of where your space begins. There’s a gate, and you get to decide what comes in and what stays out. That gate is guided by wisdom, not guilt. By grace, not fear.

When you set healthy boundaries, you’re not withholding love; you’re offering it in a form that honors both you and your child. You’re saying: "I love you enough to let you grow. I trust you enough to let you take responsibility for your own choices. And I respect myself enough to protect my emotional and spiritual well-being."

That’s not selfish. That’s mature, Christ-centered love.

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What to Do When Your Adult Child Won't Launch

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What to Do When Your Adult Child Won't Launch

Launching is a normal and necessary part of life with our young adult children, but what happens when they don’t want to leap into the great big world?

I’m not talking about kids who can’t launch due to health issues or developmental delays. I’m talking about the ones who won’t launch. The ones who seem perfectly content letting you make the decisions, pay the bills, and carry the weight of their adult responsibilities.

Of course, it’s completely appropriate for young adults to return home for a season, between college semesters, job changes, or before getting married. We want our homes to be a safe place for them to land. But that’s not what this is about.

This is about the emotional toll of watching your capable child stay stuck. It’s draining. Confusing. Maybe even a little scary. You might be wondering, Did I do too much? Am I enabling them? Is this codependency?

If you’re wrestling with those questions, you’re not alone. Let’s look at six practical steps you can take when your adult child resists launching, and how you can lovingly shift the dynamic without losing the relationship.

1. Practice Healthy Communication

Open, honest communication is key when your adult child is reluctant to launch. Be clear and direct about your concerns, but also take time to listen, really listen, with curiosity and compassion. Ask thoughtful questions, not to lecture or pressure, but to understand what’s going on in their heart and mind.

At the same time, don’t shy away from sharing your own perspective. Speak with love and humility, expressing how their choices impact you and the household. Keep the conversation two-sided and ongoing. It’s through consistent, respectful dialogue that trust is built and change becomes possible.

“Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” -Colossians 4:6 

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How to Be a Supportive (Not Smothering) Grandma

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How to Be a Supportive (Not Smothering) Grandma

I’ll never forget the night I babysat newborn Wren so her parents, my daughter Keziah and her husband Forrest, could sneak away for a quiet dinner. Before they left, Keziah nursed her, and I gently swaddled that sweet baby and laid her on her side in the cozy Moses basket beside me on the couch. I couldn’t take my eyes off her tiny pug nose, that silky dark hair; she looked so much like her momma.

I snapped a picture and sent it to Keziah to ease any first-time-mom worries. She texted back, “Oh, she’s sleeping. She’s so sweet. Mom, could you please place her on her back? That’s how we want her to sleep.”

For a moment, her words stung. A wave of shame rolled in. Had I done something wrong? But right then, I had a choice: I could take offense, or I could support her. I had already decided in my heart that I wasn’t here to parent, I was here to encourage and uplift.

It’s a moment every grandma faces: Will we hold onto our way, or will we honor the new rhythm our adult children are creating?

Being a grandma is one of the sweetest roles you’ll ever hold. And as Christian grandmothers, our calling is not only to love and enjoy our grandkids, but to support our children with grace, respect their boundaries, and keep pointing our families to Jesus.

Here’s how to walk that line with wisdom, faith, and a whole lot of love.

1. Start with Humility and Prayer

One of the most powerful ways you can love your grandchild is by praying for them, even before they’re born. From the first flutter of news about a pregnancy to every milestone ahead, you have the privilege of standing in the gap for them through prayer. What a grace to cover their life in intercession from the very beginning.

But just as important as prayer is the posture you take with your adult children. Grandparenting starts with humility.

It means resisting the urge to fix, correct, or compare their parenting choices to your own. It means trusting that God is working in their lives, too. Humility says, “I’m here to support, not to steer.” You don’t have to agree with every decision to show honor.

Even when their methods differ from how you raised your own children, humility allows you to step back with grace and trust God to lead them.

“Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, because ‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.’” -1 Peter 5:5 

Humility and prayer are the foundation for being a supportive grandma because they shift the focus from control to love, from correction to intercession.

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Want to Be a Great Mother-In-Law? Stop Doing These 8 Things

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Want to Be a Great Mother-In-Law? Stop Doing These 8 Things

Do you have a vision for the kind of mother-in-law you want to be?

 It’s common to see mother-in-laws portrayed as controlling, easily offended, and judgmental. What a heartbreaking perspective. It doesn’t have to be that way.

As a Christian mother-in-law, your role is to be a loving, supportive presence, not a source of tension or control. This requires intentionality and grace towards yourself as you learn this new role.

Here are some key things NOT to do if you want to build a strong, God-honoring relationship with your child’s spouse:

1. Don’t Compete for Your Child’s Loyalty

You are not in competition with your child’s spouse. Once your child is married, their spouse becomes their priority. You are willing to step aside as your child clings to their mate. This is God’s good plan for marriage as laid out in Genesis 2:24, “Leave his father and mother and cling to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”

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Secrets to Being a Mother-in-Law Who Loves Without Overstepping

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Secrets to Being a Mother-in-Law Who Loves Without Overstepping

"That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh"- Genesis 2:24

Navigating the changing dynamics of family life can be both beautiful and challenging. As your child enters a serious relationship and eventually chooses a spouse, your role as a mom shifts in meaningful ways. It’s a transition filled with opportunities to grow in love, grace, and wisdom.

You set the tone in your relationship with your daughter- or son-in-law from the beginning. Your words, actions, and heart posture toward them can either build a bridge of unity or create walls of distance. This new chapter requires intentionality and humility, but it also holds the potential for deep, lasting relationships that bless generations.

Let’s explore how you can be a positive, loving presence that strengthens your child’s marriage, honors God’s design for families, and ultimately brings you greater peace and joy.

You Set the Tone

You set the tone in your relationship with your daughter- or son-in-law. When your child gets serious about a relationship, you must guard how you respond to their potential mate. One critical or judgmental comment can produce wariness for your child’s future spouse.

Be mindful of your words. Therapist Heather Bjur recommends that you have one hundred percent positive regard for your child’s spouse. If you have a problem with something your child’s mate does, you take it up with God and continue to be a loving presence. You are not responsible for your child’s spouse's behavior, but you are responsible for yourself. Choose wisely, momma.

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From Conflict to Connection: Overcoming Communication Barriers with Your Adult Child

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From Conflict to Connection: Overcoming Communication Barriers with Your Adult Child

Can we talk?

It seems like an easy question, but moms and their adult children often feel frustrated with each other when they want to communicate. Multiple barriers can keep these treasured family members from communicating effectively.

Moms understand things have changed, but why does talking to your grown kids often feel like we miss each other completely? One feels misunderstood, while the other feels disrespected. Tension rises while kids want to retreat. Mom feels rejected, and each party hurts. There’s got to be a better way.

Knowing the barriers to watch out for can help you adjust accordingly so that the conversation flows easily. Let’s look at some obstacles and ways to overcome them.

1. Unspoken Expectations

Moms may expect certain behaviors (like regular check-ins, holiday traditions, or faith practices) without clearly expressing them, while adult children may have different priorities.

Solution: Expectations lead to disappointment, so listening to what your adult child needs in this season is helpful. Flexibility combined with grace will aid in deeper understanding.

2. Shifting Roles & Boundaries

It’s tough to transition from a parent-child dynamic to an adult-to-adult relationship. Moms may struggle to step back while their adult children want independence. The tension is palpable as each is learning their new role.

Solution: Accept this is a season of supporting your child instead of dictating how they live. Allow them to be autonomous. Your child is meant to stand on their own as they navigate adulthood.

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Ten Things Not to Say to Your Adult Child

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Ten Things Not to Say to Your Adult Child

"Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person"- Colossians 4:6

Careless Words

Bridgett busied herself in the kitchen as her son, Ian, was home from his senior year in college. He plopped down on the kitchen stool, heavy-hearted and stressed. Bridgett barely noticed her son’s downtrodden appearance. “School sucks, and I don’t think I can finish,” Ian said. 

“Oh, come on, you’ll be fine; it’s just finals stress. Everyone has it; you’ll get through it like I did 25 years ago. Buck up, Buddy, you’ll be fine,” Bridgett commented as she prepped the chicken for dinner.  Ian slouched on the stool, grabbed his backpack and coat, then slinked off to his bedroom. On his way up the stairs, Ian whispered, “Thanks a lot, Mom. Thanks for always making it about you.” 

“Sheesh,” Bridgett thought “That kid is such a baby. When will he ever grow up?”

As moms, we love our adult children deeply, and we want to stay connected with them. But sometimes, the words we say—often with good intentions—can create distance instead of drawing us closer. 

Without even realizing it, we might make them feel guilty, criticized, or like they’ll never quite measure up. If we want to have strong, healthy relationships with our adult kids, we must be mindful of what we say (and how we say it!). 

Here are ten phrases to avoid:

  • You could call me sometime, ya know!

  • Did you go to church this week?

  • You should…!

  • I thought you would have…!

  • I just know how you are.

  • Why can’t you put your phone down?

  • You can’t move away from me!

  • When are you going to get a real job?

  • How much did you spend on that?

  • I can’t drive that far to see you.

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Six Biblical Ways to Improve Communication and Restore Connection in Empty Nest Marriage

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Six Biblical Ways to Improve Communication and Restore Connection in Empty Nest Marriage

Communication can strengthen a marriage or create distance, especially in the empty nest season. After years of parenting, many couples find themselves struggling to reconnect in meaningful ways. Without kids in the house, conversations can feel routine or worse—strained. 

We must rebuild trust and connection through meaningful communication as we settle into our empty nest marriages. There are many advantages to this season of life. We have freedom in our schedules as we’re not schlepping kids around anymore. We have years of shared history that bind us together. Let’s celebrate what God has done through the years.

We need an extra measure of grace and honesty from each other. It’s okay to say to our husbands, “I miss us. I miss the closeness we used to have. I want to be better together. Can we work on this?

God’s Plan for Marriage

 God designed marriage to be a lifelong partnership filled with love, grace, and understanding. If you and your spouse want to deepen your connection, these six biblical principles will help you improve communication and build a stronger, more joy-filled relationship.

1. Prioritize Intentional Conversations:

With the kids out of the house, it’s easy to slip into routines without real connection. Set aside time daily—even just 15 minutes—to talk about more than schedules and to-do lists. Ask, How’s your heart today?

My husband came home from a conference and asked me, “How’s your heart?” And I never felt more seen. It was an invitation to share whatever was on my heart, the good and the bad, the hopes and frustrations. I started asking him the same question, and it took our communication to a deeper level. 

“Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” – Colossians 4:6

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Breaking Down Seven Communication Barriers in Empty Nest Marriage

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Breaking Down Seven Communication Barriers in Empty Nest Marriage

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." – Ephesians 4:2

Communication Challenges

It’s not uncommon for empty nest couples to experience barriers to communication.

The barriers were present when the kids were home, but our limitations seem magnified with the buffer of children gone.

According to various studies, a significant majority—around 65% or more—of married couples experience communication difficulties that can impact their relationship, often cited as the primary reason for divorce when not properly addressed.

Does this sound familiar?

  • We fly off the handle instead of being patient.

  • We sulk and give the “cold treatment” in hopes things will get better, but they never do.

  • We don’t know how to listen well or refuse to validate our spouse’s emotions, causing our husband to shut down and retreat.

  • We feel abandoned by our mate.

We long to feel connected, yet we don’t. Every time we try to have a conversation, it fizzles out or ends in conflict, leaving us feeling more isolated than before.

What is God’s perspective on our empty nest communication skills?

When Paul was writing to the church in Ephesus, I think he had married couples in mind. He knew of our propensity to think we’re right and demand something of our spouses. Instead, we’re welcomed to approach our mate with a submitted heart and a willingness to learn and grow:

“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” – Ephesians 4:2

As we identify the barriers to communication, we don’t point fingers. Instead, we choose humility and respond with a gentle reply, knowing we all need to grow and improve. Rather than feeling frustrated with our mate, we remember our covenant of love.

Communication isn’t the only necessary element in a healthy marriage. You also need respect, love, commitment, a desire to connect, and fun. When you build on this foundation, you’ll be better equipped to adjust how you talk to each other. Identifying communication barriers can help you overcome obstacles in your relationship.

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Why Difficult Conversations with Your Adult Child Strengthens Your Relationship

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Why Difficult Conversations with Your Adult Child Strengthens Your Relationship

 Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. - James 1:19

Avoidance Tactics

Elizabeth stared out the window as she drove with her husband to the grocery store. She ruminated over a missed opportunity with her youngest daughter, Mackenzie. Instead of feeling courageous, she shrank into fear and avoided a hard conversation with Mac. 

She noticed her daughter talked less about God. Mac was a junior in college and she rarely attended church. Her once loved Bible was untouched on a shelf in her childhood bedroom. She always had an excuse not to attend: work, a college project, or weekends away with friends. Mackenzie declined whenever mom invited her to church too.

 Elizabeth wanted to bring it up, but she was afraid of offending her daughter. Everytime she tried to talk about it she would shrink back, fearing she didn’t have the right words.

 Deep down she didn’t really want to know why Mac had walked away from God. She felt like a failure as a mom. It was easier to remain at surface level with her daughter instead of wading in deep. “What if she rejects God forever,” Elizabeth thought. “I couldn’t bear that.” 

Avoiding the topic made Eliabeth feel far away from her daughter. All she was left with was a gaping hole in their relationship. “There has to be a better way,” she thought.  “It’s time we talked about it.”

Have you ever tiptoed around a conversation with your adult child?

We worry about not having the right words. We don’t want to come across as overbearing  or close-minded. Often we feel inadequate knowing we need grace and kindness as we approach the subject. We understand we can’t become defensive, but we don’t know what that looks like.

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Dealing with Parental Estrangement: a Guide for Moms

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Dealing with Parental Estrangement: a Guide for Moms

“Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.”- Romans 12:18

Two Broken Hearts

Parental estrangement is on the rise and it devastates families. Communication breaks down and it’s easier for the child to slip away. Mom is left heartbroken with no understanding of why the child has cut her out. Two people who once loved each other are now separated. It doesn’t have to be this way.

There are steps a mom can take to improve her relationship with her estranged child and care for herself at the same time. This will require humility, compassion, empathy, and reliance on God. Please note, if the child is toxic or abusive, mom needs strong boundaries.

Both mom and her child are hurting deeply or the estrangement wouldn’t have happened. It would be easy for mom to nurse her wounds, but reconciliation requires her to step into her child’s world and understand her offspring’s perspective. Simultaneously, mom must be diligent to care for herself. There needs to be a delicate balance of compassion for her child and herself. 


God’s Perspective on Estrangement

What is God’s perspective on estrangement? I imagine it breaks His heart. God created us for a relationship with Him, first, then it trickles to our family and friends. Unfortunately, God understands our tendency towards selfishness, disagreement, and willfulness. 

In conflict, we want there to be a right and a wrong party, but both mother and adult child suffer when a relationship is severed. Paul writes to the church in Roman with the understanding that relationships are difficult. He admonishes the Believers in Romans 12:18, “Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.”

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Why It's Important to Pray for Your Adult Child

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Why It's Important to Pray for Your Adult Child

The Invitation to Pray

Have you ever had a directive straight from heaven? I heard the Spirit whisper clearly one day, “If you don’t pray for your adult children, who will?”

The impact of that question rattled around in my heart and head. Aside from their grandma, who was praying for our adult children? Besides their dad and I, who was interceding on their behalf? Maybe someone from church? Maybe their pastor? Maybe a few friends or their in-laws? The list seemed quite short in my estimation.

The significance of my “yes” to pray seemed magnified. “Challenge accepted, Holy Spirit!” I whispered.

We often feel unsettled when kids grow up and leave. We see them less often, and we have diminished impact over their choices. They have free will. They get to make their own path. This is God’s will for humanity. God wants our kids to choose Him but He will not force His hand. Instead He lovingly calls them to His heart.

We need to remember we still have influence through our prayers.

It’s a privilege to pray for our adult kids as they navigate relationships, health trials, young marriage, career choices, parenting “littles”, cultural wars, and what they believe about God.

Prayer is one thing we can do for our adult children. It’s an honor and privilege to intercede on their behalf. Prayer is the tool we use to surrender our wishes, and hold fast to the promises of God. Momma, you know how we are as moms. We think we know best and when life with our child doesn’t go how we think it should, we get a little upset. We question God’s goodness, we doubt His presence, and we feel abandoned. 

Prayer is the tool we use to reorient our hearts to God.

Stormie Omartian said it best in her book, The Power of Praying for Your Adult Children, “Prayer is not telling God what to do. Prayer is partnering with God to see that His will is done.”

More than anything I want God’s will done in my children’s lives. Even the ones who doubt He is real or feel hurt by the church. My continual prayer is they would have a fresh revelation of His great love for them.

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Four Great Reasons Moms Can Connect with God

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Four Great Reasons Moms Can Connect with God

“Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.” - John 15:5 NL

Connecting with God


The sun bursts forth as my hubby and I head out for our early morning prayer walk. There’s something powerful about talking to God about our adult kids. Our five offspring are all out of college, four are married, and they are all pursuing careers they enjoy, and yet they all have struggles. Just like any family, ours deals with financial stressors, physical pain, sickness, mental health, relational strife, cultural wars, parenting issues, and managing adulthood well. This is all part of being human. Our kids will always have stressors, but we must respond with faith.

Moms have two options: worry relentlessly about our kids, or pray for them, releasing it all to God, allowing Him to have His way in their lives. As we stroll each morning, we lift our kids to God. He certainly knows what they need more than we. Each prayer is an act of surrender and a way to restore peace to us. Most of the stressors belong to our adult kids. They need to figure them out. We are here to love and support as they navigate adulthood with their own resources. 

My husband and I know that apart from God we are nothing. With God all things are possible. What a privilege to rely on Him as we release our adult kids to His capable hands. Blessed assurance rises in our souls as we pray.

How about you? 

Have you leaned into your relationship with God even more now that you’ve gently released your child into adulthood?  I often hear moms say, “I need God now more than ever before. It was so much easier when my kids were young.”

We want to cling, hold fast to old routines and familiar patterns and all the while God says, “Let them go and cling to Me. Everything you need, I have provided. I’m here. I’m for you. Move a little closer and let me show you I’m trustworthy.”

God waits for the weary, worried mom’s arrival. He’s ready to assist her as she pours out her anguish and fears and then remembers who He is to her.

Jesus uses the teaching from the vineyard to show us what it means to have a living breathing relationship with God, where we cultivate our union and bear fruit because of our connection with God.  “Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.” - John 15:5 NLT

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Do's & Don'ts of Launching Your Child

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Do's & Don'ts of Launching Your Child

“May God give you more and more mercy, peace, and love.”-Jude 1:2 NLT

Move in Day

The August sun beat down as we unloaded our overpacked cars and schlepped items up to the third floor of her dorm. We passed sweaty students, as eager parents made sense of the small spaces. Our youngest daughter, Keziah was bright with excitement as we unpacked boxes and got her closet arranged just right. Her dad lugged the refrigerator up three flights and lofted the bed. We were thankful for a breeze through her window.

We gobbled some Chick Fil-A, made a Target run, then one last sweep of her room. We didn’t want to stay too long or do too much for her.  She plopped down on her cute futon under the lofted bed with the matching comforter and fluffy throw pillows. She looked content in her space, with little plants speckled about the room. She seemed ready. This was our cue to head home.

Why did she seem so assured and confident? This one was fiercely independent. All I could think of was I wouldn’t see her sweet face every day.  A lump formed in my throat as we said our goodbyes. Soft tears rolled down our cheeks. I think she cried for us more than herself. We knew this young woman would prosper in every way. 

The three hour ride home was quiet for my hubby and I. The familiar sadness of separation logged in the pit of my stomach.  All I could think about was how fast those eighteen years with her went. After 30 years of parenting our five kids, the nest was empty. Though I had made this transition five times, it never got easier for me. 

Transitions

When we launch our children to college, the military, or a job in a new city, it is one of the biggest transitions we will make as moms. It’s a mixed bag of jubilation and sorrow, excitement, and dread. We know what we must face once we return home to an empty bedroom.

We will miss their adorable faces and everyday interactions. We will long for the pile of dirty dishes in their rooms, and the friends they brought home. We’ll miss their voice and plopping down on their beds to chat. They’re absence changes the family dynamic, and that’s an adjustment too.  

Many questions fill our thoughts: Will they make friends?  Will they be lonely or homesick? Will they be responsible? Will they continue to love God? Will they be safe?

This is the season where we let go of our kids and cling to God. 

We understand the assignment.

We recognize everything has changed, but we are not left alone to figure it out. 

God lavishes mercy, peace, and love on us. He’s tender with us. He understands our heartache and He equips us to do things differently. As we are infused with love and peace, we are able to relate to our emerging adults in a fresh way.

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How to Manage Your Grief When Your Child Leaves

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How to Manage Your Grief When Your Child Leaves

“Therefore the Lord longs to be gracious to you. And therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you.” -Isaiah 30:18

College Drop Off

The sadness lingered below the surface as I gazed in the rearview mirror. Moriah’s warm amber eyes looked back at me as the wintry landscape was reflected in the car window. Oh, how I would miss those eyes and seeing her cuddled up on the couch with another novel. Who would instigate sibling teasing now? She was the mischievous one in our family. 

We headed to the city from our rural community to drop off our daughter at college. She graduated high school a semester early, then started college that January. “Was this even a good idea,” I wondered? Is she too young? I’m not ready to let her go. I flung a silent prayer to heaven. “Lord, help me be brave for her today.” 

 I plastered on my bright smile as we schlepped boxes up the stairs of the dorm, while young students and eager family members drifted through the halls. Excitement commingled with grief. I dreaded the thought of saying goodbye. With each load, I knew the inevitable would happen. I’d drive away from this pristine campus, nestled in the city, and leave a little bit of my heart behind. 

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How to Be a Haven for Your Adult Child

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How to Be a Haven for Your Adult Child

“Love does no wrong to others, so love fulfills the requirements of God’s law.” - Romans 13:10

Oh how we enjoy family time together! 

Our robust family of thirteen is spread across Missouri, Illinois, Minnesota, and Iowa. We gather together two-three times each year. When they were young, I never imagined the physical distance between us. It’s hard for all of us. The kids are constantly bickering about which state is the best to live in and why don’t we all join them there. 

Our adult kids traveled hundreds of miles and descended on our home weary and stiff, but happy to be there, for the long July 4th weekend. Hugs were shared as each family trudged up the front steps with suitcases and a few pets. 

Our normal, tidy home for two, was bustling with chaos and activity. The diabetic cat and the hyper Goldendoodle weren’t too fond of each other. We were vigilant to keep them apart. The coffee pot never stopped humming, and we went through an insane amount of Coke. Each family was in charge of a meal, from grocery shopping, prep, cooking, and cleanup. The bathrooms were busy, as the washing machine spun the dirty towels.

My Family Is Just Like Yours

We’re like any normal family. We have different values and beliefs. We say or do things that are insensitive. We get miffed with each other. We have our share of struggles, including mental health, financial, job transitions, friendship despair, philosophical, and religious differences, but we have purposed in our hearts to create a home where our grown kids are loved and welcomed, just as they are. We endeavor to apologize when necessary and listen well.

In her book Love, Pray, Listen, Mary DeMuth says this: “Your job is to create a haven relationship, one where your adult kids long to be near you because of how they feel in your presence.” It’s the heartbeat of what we’ve created with our grown children. We want to be a safe space for them. We want them to enjoy being with us. We want to love them as Christ loves us. 

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Why It's Helpful to Respect Your Married Kids' Boundaries

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Why It's Helpful to Respect Your Married Kids' Boundaries

“As the Scriptures say, ‘A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’” - Ephesians 5:31 NLT

A Kindness Extended

I reached for my phone to text our youngest daughter, Keziah, who lives three hours away from us, with her hubby, Forrest. Keziah is a missionary on a college campus, so her days are full with student activities, projects, meeting with students, and leadership training. I typed, “Hey Kizzy, can you look at your schedule to see when dad and I might pop over for a quick visit? I know you’re swamped with end of the year activities, but I miss your face.” 

“Aw, we miss you too. It’s crazy around here. I can’t wait for the school year to be over so we can have a little more time. Let me talk to Forrest and I’ll get back to you. Love ya mom.” she responded.

“Love you too. Can’t wait to see you.” I replied. 

It’s About Respect

Some parents find it silly to ask permission to visit their grown children. They jump in the car with no consideration for their adult child’s previous plans or if their adult children have the capacity for a visit. A simple ask goes a long way in communicating kindness and compassion for our adult children’s lives. This simple gesture communicates, “We understand you’re separate from us now. We want to honor you.” 

 One of the most challenging concepts for a young married couple is how to have boundaries with their parents. First, the couple needs to have brave conversations with each other, then they need to talk to their parents about their established boundaries.  

We can help them take this courageous step when we willingly respect their limits. 

“As the Scriptures say, ‘A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’” - Ephesians 5:31 NLT This is a mandate from God and a clear explanation of what boundaries are for our married children. Our children are to leave their parents and create a family of their own, without our input or influence over their decisions. 

Mom’s Role

What are you doing to encourage your child to leave and cleave to their spouse? 

Moms play a significant role in the success of our child’s marriage when we allow them to leave us and cling to their mate. There will be no more “momma’s boy.” His wife is his new girl. That doesn’t mean you’re not important. It just means you’ll play a secondary role, the way God intended. 

 Will you be a help or a hindrance in the growth of your child’s marriage?

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