How to Manage Holiday Expectations with Adult Children: Six Grace-Filled Strategies for Peace and Connection

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As the holidays draw near, many moms feel that familiar tug of nostalgia. We long for the simpler days when everyone was gathered around the same table, laughter filled the kitchen, and no one had in-laws or work schedules to consider. Back then, life felt cozy and connected; our kids were close, and so were our hearts.

But now, the empty chairs sting a little. Our grown children have new homes, new traditions, and new responsibilities. And when the holidays don’t look like they used to, disappointment can quietly creep in. We picture what should be, and before we know it, those expectations begin to steal our joy and strain our relationships.

Momma, what if this year looked different, not worse, just different, and still full of meaning? What if we could approach the holidays with open hands, trusting that God can make beauty out of change?

Proverbs 16:9 reminds us, “In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.” When we release our tight grip and let Him lead, peace begins to take root.

Let’s look at six grace-filled strategies to help you navigate holiday expectations with peace, flexibility, and deeper connection this season.

1. Be Self-Aware

Momma, have you ever felt that quiet heaviness during the holidays and couldn’t quite explain why? You love your family deeply, but something feels off. You miss how things used to be: the matching pajamas, the early morning giggles, the house buzzing with activity. You’re holding on to those precious memories, and that’s okay. But sometimes, clinging too tightly to what was can make it hard to receive the new season God has for you.

When your emotions start to spiral, when you’re irritable, hurt, or easily disappointed, it’s often a sign that unspoken expectations are running the show. Becoming self-aware helps you name what’s really going on beneath the surface. It’s not about guilt or shame; it’s about grace and growth.

Take time to pause and invite God into that inner space. Ask Him to reveal what’s stirring in your heart and to replace frustration with peace.

Psalm 139:23–24 says, “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

2. Name What You’re Holding

Momma, the purest way to manage those uncomfortable emotions that surface during the holidays is to name them. Don’t shove them down or pretend they’re not there. Have the courage to pause and ask yourself, “What am I really feeling?” Is it disappointment that your grown kids can’t all be home this year? Resentment because you feel left out of their plans? Maybe it’s sadness, rejection, or even fear that family traditions are slipping away.

Whatever you’re holding, bring it into the light. God can’t heal what we hide, but He lovingly meets us in what we’re honest about. When we name our emotions with self-compassion instead of judgment, we make room for grace. We’re not weak for feeling deeply; we’re human and beloved.

Psalm 34:18 reminds us, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

So, take a breath and whisper your truth to God. Let His gentle presence meet you in the ache. When we stop pretending everything’s fine and honestly name our pain, we open the door for His comfort and healing to flow in.

3. Understand the Impact of Expectations

Momma, let’s be honest, most of our holiday stress starts right here. Expectations can sneak in quietly, dressed as good intentions. We imagine what the holidays should look like, how the house should feel, and who should be around the table. But when reality doesn’t match our vision, disappointment moves in, and suddenly our joy feels stolen.

Holding too tightly to expectations not only hurts you, it strains your connection with your adult children. When you insist things go your way, you unknowingly communicate, “My comfort matters more than our relationship.” That’s never your heart, but it can feel that way to them. Grown kids want to come home because they’re welcomed, not guilted.

The truth is, expectations create pressure, but grace creates peace. When you release your grip, you make space for empathy, flexibility, and authentic joy.

James 3:17 reminds us, “But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.”

When you trade your expectations for God’s wisdom, peace begins to flow again. You start to value connection over control, and that’s where the sweetest holiday moments are found.

4. Practice Flexibility to Build Connection

Momma, the antidote to unmet expectations is flexibility. When you loosen your grip on how the holidays should look, you open your hearts to the beauty of what can be. A flexible mom knows that Christmas morning might not happen on December 25th, and that’s okay. What matters most is being together, whenever and however that happens.

A flexible mom listens with love. She shares what’s meaningful to her but also makes space for what matters to her grown kids. She doesn’t stew in disappointment when plans shift or someone can’t make it home. Instead, she blesses the time she does have and chooses gratitude over grumbling. Her gentle adaptability becomes the glue that holds her family close, even across miles and time zones.

Philippians 2:4 reminds us, “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

When you model humility and flexibility, you show your children what love looks like in action. The result? Deeper connection, softer hearts, and a home, whether full or quiet, that radiates peace and grace.

5. Partner with God in Surrender

Momma, surrender isn’t giving up; it’s giving over. As a parent of adult children, you’re learning that surrender is the secret to peace and strong connection. It’s laying down your expectations, not in defeat, but in trust. Trust that God loves your family even more than you do.

You can bring every disappointment, every lonely ache, and every “this isn’t how I pictured it” moment to a gracious God who never shames or condemns. In surrender, you place your desires at the feet of Jesus and whisper, “Your will, not mine.” You loosen your grip on the past and open your hands to the new thing God is doing right now.

Isaiah 26:3-4 promises, “You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal.”

Surrender anchors your soul in peace. You stop striving to control and start resting in God’s faithful hands. Even in the ache, you can be confident. He’s working in your heart, in your children’s lives, and in the story He’s still writing for your family.

6. Things Can Look Different and Still Be Good

Momma, this season may not look like years past, but that doesn’t mean it’s any less beautiful. When we release what was, we make space to see what is. God is still here, weaving His goodness through every moment, even the quiet ones.

As you accept the changes in your family’s holiday rhythm, take notice of His presence in the simple things: a conversation that makes you laugh, the warmth of a candle, a moment of stillness that softens your heart. When you center yourself on God’s faithful love, gratitude begins to grow. The pressure fades, and peace settles in.

Those who gather around your table, whether few or many, will feel that peace. Your contentment fills your heart and spills over unto everyone around you. 

Psalm 27:13 says, “I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.”

Things can look different and still be so very good. God is near, His goodness surrounds you, and your family is lovingly held in His hands.

Momma, expectations don’t have to steal your joy this holiday season. When we recognize how they shape our emotions and relationships, we can pause, reflect, and invite God to help us adjust. As we become more self-aware, flexible, and surrendered, our home becomes a place of peace, one that our adult children want to return to.

Remember, the heart of the holidays isn’t found in perfect plans or everyone being together, it’s found in the presence of God and the love that flows from Him through you. Whatever this season looks like, it can still be good, because God is good, and He’s right there in the middle of it all.

Let’s pray.

Dear Papa, help me release any expectations I carry so they don’t rob me of the joy of celebrating this holiday season. Help me be flexible as we make family plans. Help me honor You and spread love to my family this holiday season. Amen

Still struggling?

The Transitional Grief Journaling Guide is a faith-filled resource designed to help empty nest moms process the deep emotions of letting go. Through six guided reflection questions, you’ll name your feelings, invite God into your grief, and discover His comfort in the middle of change. This gentle companion will remind you that transitional grief is only a season and God is leading you toward peace, purpose, and joy.

Don’t Avoid the Tough Talk: How to Start Holiday Planning Conversations with Adult Kids

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Don’t Avoid the Tough Talk: How to Start Holiday Planning Conversations with Adult Kids

As soon as November rolls around, the countdown to the holidays begins, and so does the pressure. Moms everywhere start asking the same questions: What will Thanksgiving look like this year? Will we all be together for Christmas? How do I honor our traditions without overwhelming my adult kids, or myself?

It’s completely normal to feel a mix of excitement and anxiety as the season approaches. You want to hold onto the warmth and connection of years past, but deep down, you know things are changing. One of the biggest emotional shifts a mom faces is accepting that holidays with adult children won’t look like they did when the kids were little, and that’s okay.

Instead of avoiding the discomfort, be the one to open the conversation. Talking openly about holiday plans can prevent misunderstandings, reduce stress, and even strengthen your relationships. With these six strategies, you’ll learn how to approach the holidays with more clarity, flexibility, and peace. They may look different, but they can still be just as meaningful.

1. Stop Avoiding the Elephant in the Room

The holidays are coming. Everyone knows it, but that doesn’t mean anyone’s talking about it. If you're like most moms, you may find yourself avoiding the conversation with your adult kids, hoping to sidestep disappointment or conflict. Maybe deep down, you already sense they won’t be coming home, and saying it out loud makes it real.

But here’s the truth: the longer you avoid the conversation, the more tension quietly builds. As the mom, you’re still the emotional leader in your family. When you take the courageous step to initiate the dialogue, you create space for honesty, tenderness, and understanding. You’re not being pushy. You’re paving the way for peace.

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Holiday Grace: Navigating Family Gatherings with an Adult Child Who Rejects Christianity

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Holiday Grace: Navigating Family Gatherings with an Adult Child Who Rejects Christianity

“But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint”.- Isaiah 40:31


Holiday Tension

It felt like a rubber band was stretched across her chest as Julia scraped the dinner plates and loaded the dishwasher. Her daughter Maddie would be returning home for her break from university. Fear rushed in as Julia thought about their last difficult interaction. 

Julia was aloof and tense that weekend. She just didn’t seem like herself. Julia sensed something was going on but she couldn’t get Maddie to talk.  She woke Maddie up Sunday morning and said, “It’s time for church, Babe.”  “I’m not going.” Julia barked. Aghast, she yelled back. “What do you mean you’re not going? As long as you live in this house, you’ll go to church with your dad and I.”  “You can’t make me,” she hollered. 

 Julia quietly closed the bedroom door and slumped away to her bedroom to cry. “Where did I go wrong, Lord? she wailed, as tears stained her pillow. “She’s so far from you and I feel like an utter failure. Please help me.” she prayed. 

Reflecting over the weekend, Julia noticed every time she reached out to connect with Maddie, it felt like her walls were up. “Maybe she sensed my judgment?” she wondered. “Maybe I was unnecessarily harsh?” she thought. Just thinking about spending time with her daughter over the holidays stressed her out. “Lord, there’s got to be a better way. Please help me,” she prayed, as she wiped off the counters.

Does Julia’s story ring true for you? Do you identify with the heartache, pressure, and shame a mom carries when her grown child rejects her faith? 

Are you flooded with questions:

  • Why God?

  • Where did I go wrong?

  • What will others think of me?

  • What if they experience complete separation from God?

  • How can we get along when we disagree?

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The Christian Mom’s Mindset for a Peaceful, Joyful Holiday with Her Adult Kids

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The Christian Mom’s Mindset for a Peaceful, Joyful Holiday with Her Adult Kids

Has holiday planning with your adult children increased your stress levels and you’re barely into November?

Maybe you can relate to Julia’s story:

Julia settled into her comfy chair with her morning coffee. Worry bubbled forth as she imagined what the holidays will look like this year. Her oldest, John, won’t be home as he’s heading to his wife's parent’s home. “I’ll never get used to sharing my child with another family,” she thinks, “I just don’t like it.” 

Her middle daughter, Elizabeth, won’t commit to plans. “Why can’t she just communicate with me? It’s so frustrating,” she sighs. “She seems annoyed with us all. We’re hardly even a family anymore. Why does it all have to be so stressful,” she wonders.

Connor, her youngest, will be home from college. “He never seems to want to be with us,” she thinks. “He’s always running around with his friends. I feel lonely and forgotten.” 

 “Lord, I need you. I’m overwhelmed and I don’t want our holidays to be stressful. I give everyone and everything to you. Please help me,” she whispered, as peace washed over her soul.


Mom Stress

Preparing for the holidays has never been easy for moms. Most of us have carried the mental weight of holiday planning for decades and the stress continues as our children reach adulthood. 

We all face many of these common stressors:

  • Sharing our married children with their in-laws.

  • Step-families and the juggling that requires. 

  • Tension in our adult children’s relationship with each other.

  • Our children have abandoned the religious views of their upbringing. 

  • No one in our families pitches in for meal prep and cleaning.

  • Our adult children are resistant to making family plans.

Talk about stress. No wonder we dread this time of year. It feels like too much, and we’ll just be disappointed again.

What if there was a way to shift our thinking? Could we adopt a healthier view, so we don’t end up crushed and disappointed? How could our holidays look if we entered them from a posture of surrender? 

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Tips for a Stress-Free Holiday with Adult Children

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Tips for a Stress-Free Holiday with Adult Children

Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all! - Romans 12:16 NLT

Kids Return to the Nest

”They’re here!” hubby said, as we ran out on the porch, undeterred by the blustery December winds. Bekah and Ryan jumped out of the car and grabbed their frisky puppy, Bea. Bob helped them haul in their luggage while we exchanged hugs on the porch. “Hey Beautiful Girl," I whispered, “It’s so good to have you home.”  Exhausted after their seven hour drive from Missouri, we plopped down on the living room couch to relax. 

Grandsons, Teddy and Gus arrived bright eyed and ready to go with mom and dad in tow. Had they grown another inch? I wondered. Moriah swept in with her cat, Desmond, and the mischief level in the house rose exponentially.  Caleb and Ashia were the last to arrive from Minnesota. We wrapped them in warm hugs.  Forrest and Keziah had a short three hour drive. They schlepped baskets of laundry and bright smiles.

I soaked in the goodness as I surveyed the room. Our kids were all home together, and it was the sweetest feeling: a mixture of nostalgia and pride. They’re all grown. Our work is done and now we connect as friends and peers. Sometimes I’m shocked we’re at this stage already. Wild, busy children gave way to real adults. The transformation is stunning.

“When are you going to buy a sectional mom?” Moriah quips! Every single time the kids come home that’s what they ask.  Sheesh! Yes, our living room is a little cozy for 13 people, but I don’t even care. “Get over it,” I winked, secretly hoping we can get a sectional one day. 

A Stress Free Holiday

How do we manage a household of adult kids who have differing views and perspectives? How do we handle difficult conversations with grace and truly enjoy our time together? How do we make room for apologies and tenderness when tensions rise? How do we handle schedules and meal prep so mom isn’t exhausted?

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Managing Holiday Expectations with Adult Children: Tips for a Joyful Holiday Season

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Managing Holiday Expectations with Adult Children: Tips for a Joyful Holiday Season

 “Yet true godliness with contentment is itself great wealth.” - 1 Timothy 6:6


Longing for Christmas Past

Angela riffled through the familiar Christmas boxes, as she quietly set up the tree. Memories of Christmases past swirled through her mind. Christmas morning arrived with bleary eyed kids awake early, while gooey cinnamon rolls baked in the oven. The smell of cinnamon and a fresh brewed pot of coffee wafted through the home. The three eager kids were lined up on the couch, in their matching Christmas jammies, waiting for them to doll out their presents. “Which one did Santa bring?” the youngest exclaimed as Angela and her hubby shared a knowing glance.

Hours were spent on the floor playing with their new toys, while discarded Christmas wrapping and bows floated around the room. Lego sets were carefully organized at the table as little boys built their new creations. They could barely pull the kids away from their new treasures to enjoy a little Christmas breakfast. 

“I wonder what Christmas will be like this year?” Angela thought. I wish we could go back to those simple days when all the kids were at home. We had them all to ourselves. It was so easy. We didn’t have to share with in-laws. I wish we could just keep it all the same forever. I feel sad that those days are gone.  


A Season to Adapt

We long to cling to the good ole days when our kids were young and we knew exactly what to expect. It was easier. We weren’t required to adapt. We wouldn’t be disappointed. We understand this tension of longing for the past but realize we must adapt for the good of the whole.

 This is a new season with our adult children and holding on to old expectations is the surest way to ruin the holiday season for our whole family. We have a gracious God who willingly supports us as we learn new ways.

Let's define expectations so we’re all on the same page.  According to Collins Dictionary, a person's expectations are strong beliefs they have about the proper way someone should behave or something should happen.

For moms, a lot of expectations center around how we believe the holidays should look for our families. When our kids don’t meet those expectations it causes tension.Disappointment bubbles up, resentment brews.

Do you have expectations of what the holiday season should look like? Are you crushed when your expectations aren’t met by your grown kids? What if there were a better way for us to enjoy the holiday season with our growing families?

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